Wildly Picking Up Children Along The Way

It's a gray day

2011-11-16T15:35:00.001-08:00

I'm having one of those gray days. Except, this grayness has lasted for a few months. I'm to the point where I just want to stay in my pajamas, under the covers of my bed and the rest of the world be damned. This is not a good feeling.

And I think I'm to the point where I need help.

I don't want to plan dinner, or go to rehearsal, or be on the computer, or go to work, or eat, or talk, or even have people I love come to visit. I want the world to just stop for a moment (as long a moment as I want) so that I can just lay there and not have to think about anything and just have a long cry.

All hope is not lost, I do still want to smell my baby's hair, or have my children sit still in my lap, or go outside to walk. Except the walk includes the urge to just keep going. Down the street, past the orchards

The Skinnier Me...then Opps!

2011-09-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

I tend to believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason or because of karma.
Friday of last week, I fit into size 8 pants. Yea!!! I was so proud. I was verbally proud.
Friday night was opening night of the play I'm currently in. A few minor hiccups, but it all went well.
Saturday night had a few more hiccups, but we persevered and made it to the ending scene...where I lost my skirt!
Seriously. One minute I'm throwing scraps of papers into the fireplace and the next I feel a funny tickle on my ankle. I looked down and saw my skirt. I reached down and pulled my skirt and said my line with a little bit of a suppressed giggle, "So much suffering already in the world, I can't bear for there to be anymore." Yep, bear (bare). Which only enticed the audience to laugh even more. Now this play is not a comedy, but the following lines of "...do not think that I shall ever forget," and "Neither shall I forget," caused even more laughter and I'm sure the audience shall never forget either!
To top it all off, the following people were in the audience: two of the well seasoned directors I have yet to work with (they were proud of how I handled it), the woman who baby sits my children, one of the owners of the bank my husband works for, one of the VPs of said bank, and the secretary of the President of the bank.
To date, my cheeks are still warm and glowing from embarrassment.
I safety-pinned my skirt to my blouse for the Sunday matinee.
I also told my husband to mention to his bank that our theatre company would love any donation which would help us move into our new building and perhaps have costumes that fit better. I figured I might as well beg for donations while I had their attention.
Well, skirt and all, I am glad to be losing the baby weight and slowly getting back to my old self. Though now I won't take so much pride in it. Maybe.

Monday, WTH!

2011-06-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

In my defense, this doesn't happen often and no children were harmed in the making of this Monday WTH (What the Heck).

Also, I do realize how blessed I truely am in having such lovely neighbors who would brave having someone they only recently met see them in their pajamas on the first day of their vacation.

Yesterday, I used my keys to start the minivan. I was not the one driving, my husband was. But I turned on the car out of impatience because it was seriously like 106 degrees outside, so the inside was like 400! The air conditioner in my van is wonderful and works so well that sometime I have to turn it off so I can defrost the kids to get them out. My husband drove us home after the movie and did not put my keys where I put them. I always (okay, usually) use the clip on my keys to latch them onto my purse so I don't lose them.
I was notorious in college for never knowing where my keys were. My husband knows this about me; it's not something new.
He put my keys on the dining room table. I'm sure you can see where this is heading.
This morning, I gathered our children and ushered them out the door carrying the baby with Josie trailing behind me. I asked her to close the front door but to make sure it was locked.
"Is it locked?"
"I don't know, it's sorta like this" - makes hand gesture to show up & down.
"Then it's not locked, you need to turn it."
"Okay, mom, it's locked."
Then we got in the van and I grabbed the loop of my purse to get my keys...
No keys...
NO KEYS! Not to the van, the house, nothing. I think fast but there are no ways (that won't cause damage to my beautiful house) to break into my house to get the keys.
(Deep breath) Fine, I'll just call Daddy...
No Phone!
Blink.....blink.....open car door and walk in a circle around the van...get back in van. (I seriously have no idea what good I thought that would do)
"Okay, everyone wait here while I go to the neighbor's house to borrow their phone to call Daddy."
So I went to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell. After an eternity, I started to walk away but heard the latch on the door being moved so I jumped back in front of the door. My gentleman neighbor poked his head from around the door and I very sheepishly told him about my misadventure and could I please use his phone to call my husband. He asked me to hold on just a moment and closed the door. His wife then open the door and invited me in while she tried to figure out how to unlock her new blackberry so I could call Daddy. She was in a housecoat and her husband was coming down the hall buttoning his shorts. Eventually we had to use her husband's phone and I called Daddy hoping he would answer even if he didn't recognize the number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey. It's me. Um, I'm locked out of the house and can't start the car."
"They're on the table."
"Uh-huh. Remember you were using my keys..."
"I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thanks, honey. I love you."
My lovely neighbors offered me a ride, which I declined because I needed to get the kids off to their various daycares. So then they offered to let me drive one of their cars. I didn't think people like this still existed! Thank God I live next to such fine people. I thanked them very much and told them my husband would be here soon and I had to get back to the kids.
I believe I've learned a few things today:
never be so impatient for the AC as to use my keys to turn on the car when I am not the one driving.
never assume the keys are where they are supposed to be
to find a place to hide an extra key
and to thank God again for such amazing neighbors!

Daddy: "Where was the scorpion?"

2011-06-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

In the upstairs hall above the bathroom door. I can honestly say it took me about ten minutes to kill it. Ten seconds to whack it with the fly swatter, two seconds to realize that didn’t work, twenty seconds trying to squish it in half using the edge of the fly swatter as it frantically tried to sting the shiny purple plastic, five seconds to release it in the hopes that it would stick to the fly swatter, five seconds watching it fall to the floor still alive and intact while screaming “IT FELL, IT FELL, IT FELL”, three seconds to jump off the kitchen stool and stomp it to near oblivion with my foot safely caressed in your ugly boots. I believe fifteen seconds were spent on moving the boxes Josie put in the hall, delaying the inevitable by requesting the fly swatter followed by asking for the kitchen stool and tucking in the laces on the boots. The other nine minutes consisted of me trying (successfully until the scream) to maintain my composure, finding my courage to even GO up the stairs, while inside there was another version of myself running around in a panic screaming, “OHMYGODTHERE’SASCORPIONUPSTAIRSANDMYKIDSNEEDMETOKILLIT!” followed by a fleeting thought that perhaps I could call you to come kill the freaking scorpion while looking at the scorpion wishing it didn’t exist.
~The e-mail to my husband to answer his question.

(Wo-)Man's Best Friend

2011-04-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Sir Slash,
Sweet canine friend, I will miss our walks through the neighborhood. Actually, I really miss them already. I miss the smell of your fur after you've had a bath and the way you would nuzzle me just like a cat. I miss you greeting me at my bed each morning when Daddy would come to wake me up and I miss you curling up behind my knees when I would give the children their morning cuddles on the couch. I even miss having to chase you each time someone let you out of the yard. But the memory I will cherish most of all is when you would lay your head on my tummy while I was pregnant and then look at me with bewilderment when that little someone kicked.
I hope, dear friend, that we will meet again and that you are enjoying running the meadows of heaven. Your passing took me by surprise as did my reaction. I didn't realize just how much you had touched my life in the short time you were mine. Even now, several weeks later, my eyes fill with tears and writing this is difficult. I have been meaning to get this out but I haven't because thinking about it hurts so much. But holding it in doesn't honor your loyalty or your life. I want to thank you for sharing your life with me and my family. You are truly one of the best of God's creatures and I will always love you and remember you fondly.
Eternally,
Your Human Mommy

Two Conflicting Bees

2011-03-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not talking about actual bees. My two conflicting B's are Breastfeeding and Blood-sugar. Specifically, low blood-sugar. When I am good, as in I have been eating regularly - not skipping meals, not overly stressed, not overly active, getting my normal 7 hours of sleep, my blood-sugar is pretty normal. When I "forget" I have to be conscience of my time/meals/etc, things can and have gotten pretty bad. Those who have had episodes of low blood-sugar can attest to the various situations they have found themselves in. My own have not been pretty. I can honestly say the worst was sitting outside the grocery store, crying my eyes out, waiting for my best friend to come and help me remember what it was that I needed to do there (cash my paycheck and buy milk, flour and bananas for a pancake breakfast I was hosting the next day). I remember feeling so stupid. Had I been paying attention, I would've remembered to eat my 4 o'clock snack and not skip it thinking I'd have time later. Lately, however, my mistake has been not compensating my body's needs with the fact that I have been feeding another human being. I am a full-time breastfeeding mama. I don't use formula if I can help it - my body is (so far) keeping up with this baby but I did have to supplement when B-Boy was a baby. Little Artie is still too young for cereal, so his nutritional needs are completed by me. And it has been a hard road with this blood sugar thing. I go to the child care center to feed Little Artie at lunch. If I forget to pack a lunch, I go feed him first and then try to make it somewhere to pick up something. But by the time I feed the baby and leave, I only have 15-20 minutes of my lunch hour left. And if my blood sugar is too low, I have a very difficult time trying to decide where to go or what to eat. And heaven forbid a repeat of two weeks ago. My hubby said he's bring me lunch, so I went to feed the baby. An hour and a half later, he came with my lunch. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't kill him. My office-mates are really glad he finally showed up because the delay in lunch had not made me a pleasant person to be around. Sort of how a hungry lion gets when you dangle a piece of meat in front of the cage and don't deliver. So now I'm starting to get really good about taking lunch with me. Then I eat the sandwich on the way to the center, feed the baby, and eat the fruit on the way back to the office. So far, as long as I keep my snacks at their regular time, this has been working. It's just so annoying having to relearn my body again.

Sparked - Simple Evening

2011-02-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

Walking through the bookstore, heading towards the crowded checkout counter to purchase the ornithology book my thirteen year old needed, Sparks caught my eye. Nicholas Sparks. I've enjoyed a couple of his tear-inducing movies and a thought entered my mind that a book might be nice. It has been too long since I've gifted myself a tome of literature. Next to Sparks was Niffeneger. I have this book but lent it to a friend greatly in need of hope, romance, and the need to lose herself if only for a moment. I wonder if she's had the chance to read it. How long has it been? Dorian Gray. The name on the spine is familiar. I remember at one point in my life wishing for a son by that name, Dorian, because it sounds like a smoky grey song. To me, music is seen in colors and felt in fabrics. But I did not name my sons Dorian because there were stronger names meant for them. Family names. I pull the book from the shelf and notice the price is only $3.99. For an amount equal to twenty minutes of my time I could own a piece of great literature which would be a part of me for a lifetime. A few pennies more than the chai latte with soy I would purchase a few minutes later and I would have another book to pass to my brilliant children. Do I spoil them? Does giving them volumes beyond those perceived by others to be appropriate reading for their grade level make them more prone to teasing? I pray the benefits of accelerated reading outweigh the few years of torment they must endure when their peers realized that their intelligence is not an act. For now, thirteen must endure it because she reads at a college level while her "friends" are still struggling through eighth grade. In the back of my mind I know we are pinching pennies. Five children to feed, a new house which I only just paid the deposit on this morning. But $3.99 Dorian Gray is looking through me, touching the heart that loves the written word, tempting me with promises of words and phrases, quotes that I would finally understand, meanings that would enhance who it is that I really am. I hold the book, warm and smooth and precious. A few shelves over, a colorful cover catches my eye and I squat down to see what it is when I notice a small black and white cover in a pattern much like the feathers of an ostrich. It is a book of sudoku puzzles but in a wordless cover that is flocked in black. A pleasure for the senses - touch and sight. Again, $3.99. High above the shelves I notice a sign. I've discovered the bargain book wall - 75% off. My heart leaps with joy at this simple discovery. People my size rarely look up that high. It seems my world is always looking up and I enjoy my own time when I can look at my own level. So surely this is a discovery. I take a small step back from the books and I see just how vast this treasure trove really is. Authors I know, most I don't. All of them just waiting to be discovered. My new home has built in shelves. So many books could find a home there. I take my two treasures and the beautiful book of birds to the less crowded counter of the bookstore cafe. I learn that I can purchase the books and my tea there. I pay, I sit. I crack open Dorian Gray and learn the sad tale of his author. Will anyone ever read my story? I'd like to think it's a happy story. I always seems happy. One of thirteen's teachers says I should write a book on how to be happy. If she only knew the truth. She would cry. I am happy today because I don't believe in being sad. I've been there. God helped me find my way out. He gave me children to live for. He gave me supportive parents and set me still long enough to find the man who was meant for me. I am only great and happy because I've not got the right to be sad. I survived it. I will write it when I am ready, for now I will just live it. My tea arrives and I hold the warm cup, warm books (I did not want a bag) and head out into the cold. This is not weather we are used to in New Mexico - ice and snow. My car is warm. I drive past the house that will soon house my new treasures. I have plans for that house. It will be our home. It will hear our laughter, children playing, dancing in the kitchen, the new baby crying. Friends will come to eat and talk and play cards. We'll have epic Halloween parties. It looks beautiful in the snow. I pull into the driveway of the home I've shared with my family for three years. Six people, one bathroom. It's been fun and leaving is bittersweet. I love this house. I have promised to try to find a nice family for it. I almost wish we didn't have to leave but our girls are becoming teenagers and they need more privacy. New baby makes seven now with one bathroom and I'd really appreciate taking a shower without having to leave the door unlocked. I miss my privacy too. I hand the book of birds to thirteen. She takes it in her hands and presses her head to it. "Thank you mom." She notices I've got two other books and I can see her interest. It makes me proud. Then she says good night and kisses me on the check, still with her book in her hands. She tells me I smell like gingerbread.
And I smile.

My Sweet Little Gentleman

2010-11-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have a sweet little gentleman and I'm not completely sure how that came about. He has begun to open my car door for me everywhere we go. He checks up on me every few minutes to make sure the baby and I are doing well. He's even gotten up in the middle of the night to check on me. He's only four years old! My little B-Boy has become a perfectly sweet little gentleman. I'm sure he's been watching his father, but I never expected him to take so much care of me. He'll even ask me if I need him to scratch my back and on more than one occasion, he's just come to me and started to brush my hair. I must be the luckiest mommy in the whole world.
My little gentleman will be five in just one more month. He is so excited to be getting a baby brother as an early birthday present. He surprises me with everything he is learning and with how dare-devilish he can be. And his understanding of the world around him? He pointed to a car last night that he really likes and said, "When I grow up and get a job, that's the car I'm going to buy." When I pulled over the car to see if our eldest wanted to try to pull into the driveway (she said no) he told her it wasn't that scary and she was old enough but "I have to wait until I'm older." No whining, no crying, no bartering about wanting to drive. He completely understands that there are just some things he has to wait for. He is learning patience. It's a big thing to learn for someone so little. He amazes me everyday!

On a scale of 1 to 10, YOU are an 11!

2010-11-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

Eleven.
On a Friday eleven years ago, a beautiful angel came into my life and made me a mommy. It was such a wonderful occasion that they held a parade the morning after. Granted it was the Veteran's Day parade, but it was still a parade and it was just after my angel's birth. So beautiful, she smiled at me right away. The first to hold her, other than the doctor and nurses, was her grandmother. They have had a special bond ever since, it's beautiful to watch. Her other grandmother was waiting patiently and it was love at first sight. They, too, share a special bond.
My angel has been my life. Without her, I would not have left a difficult situation. She saved me and has helped me grow not just as a mom, but as a human being. Through her, I have learned patience. I have learned to let my creativity grow without being afraid of what other people think. I have learned to appreciate again with child-like wonder the song of a bird, color of a rainbow, and the warmth of the sunshine.
She is now officially taller than me! She is playing the violin and doing so well in school. I love when she comes home with some new piece of fact, "Mom, did you know...." Some things I do, some things I don't. She does take after me in many ways - still doesn't know how to ride a two wheel bike. I'm hoping to teacher her after the baby comes, she's less afraid now than before.
Eleven. Where did time go?

I want to cry, but I don't

2010-10-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have a sort of clenching feeling in my chest and I feel like my eyeballs are about to burst. If I let myself, I will cry. Not tears of sadness or even of the tremendous joy I feel. Tears of utter frustrations and confusion of what I should do. I have a beautiful child, Josie. She can be the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world, especially when she wants something from you or if we are around people she likes (who usually have something she wants).

But when we are alone and I need her to be a big eight year old girl and clean her room, brush her hair, or any of the other things she is more than capable of doing, she becomes a nightmare. And I don't mean that she's kicking and screaming or throwing a tantrum. That would be easy, I've been through that with each of the other children. She becomes what I can only think of as passive-aggressive. Everything has to be repeated over and over. She is constantly distracted. She won't clean her room, she'll fall asleep under her bed. She will only brush her hair... to a point. Homework has to be carefully watched and checked because she won't do it. Timeouts, don't work. Physical discipline, doesn't work. Grounding her from playtime with friends, doesn't work because she doesn't have any friends. Taking away toys, books, outside time doesn't work because she doesn't care. Even the opposite, giving rewards for completing a task, doesn't work. And if I do get upset with her and send her to her room, I have a bloody mess to clean up because she will rub, scratch, pick her nose or any other place on her body till she bleeds; and she doesn't cry when she does it. I almost don't believe the child feels pain, just like she can't feel if the shower is too hot or cold.

The worst part is that I don't feel like anyone understands how difficult she can be. I believe that because she is such a sweet child around other adults, they just can't believe how difficult she can be. Even her pediatrician tried to blame our dry air and not putting Neosporin in her nose for the nosebleeds. It took me telling her three different times before she understood that the child gives herself the nosebleeds. We have a humidifier, we use Neosporin, but I cannot keep the child from making herself bleed the minute I turn my back. It should not be this hard to convince people. I should not be made to feel like I'm overexaggerating because she's a damn good little actress. I even have a hard time gettting my own husband to believe how difficult she can be. The only person who I know understands is my mom. My mom has seen this little girl in action when she doesn't think anyone is looking. And if looks could kill from this girl, I'd be dead ten times over. My mom doesn't fall for her "I don't understand" or "I need help doing this" bologna. And I just feel so frustrated that I'm ready to cry. I need help.

October, I love you!

2010-10-01T16:00:00.001-07:00

I love October!

If October were a guy, it would be the perfect guy for me: not too hot, not too cold, smells good, has beautiful sounds and colors, awesome events like the Balloon Festival, State Fairs, Halloween, that added bit of expectation at the beginning of the holiday season, and mystery.

Today being the first of October, came with much good news and an extra dose of expectation. We are now one less obstacle away from relaxing about the finances. We also have our date for the arrival of our newest baby boy! December 7th! I'm so excited that I might just stay up tonight and bake the pumpkin pie I've been craving! I am so looking forward to meeting this little boy who's been growing, kicking, rolling and causing heartburn for the last seven months. As we have said this is our last pregnancy, I am enjoying every minute of it. We even (finally) gained some weight... 3 pounds. Hey, it's a start. I look huge, at least to myself. Other people have other opinions. Some say I'm huge and look like I'm gonna pop any minute and others are shocked by how small I am. I even had a lady yesterday who sees me about every two weeks who was surprised to find out I was really pregnant! I already love this little boy and his brother, B-boy, already loves him too. I've notice that if B-boy is sleeping in my bed, he and his little brother both wiggle and kick in their sleep if I'm rolled onto my left side. B-boy sleeps on the right. But if I roll right and they are next to each other, they both sleep peacefully. I think the little boy bond is already happening. I'm looking forward to the days when they'll be happily walking side by side together.
The weather has already turned into that lovely combination of cool mornings and tolerable afternoons followed by perfectly lovely evenings. I wish I could sleep outside. I've already begun driving with the air conditioner off and the windows down to enjoy the wind in my hair - which leads to very tangled hair as it is now down to my waist again. I'm trying very hard this pregnancy to avoid the temptation to chop it all off like I did with the last two. My hair grows best when pregnant and I'm not going to get this opportunity again.
It is the season of baking and get togethers, warm sweaters on cool evenings, spicy sweets and warm drinks. Thank you October, I love you!

It's been a long time, old friend

2010-09-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

It feels like forever since I last had the energy or time to blog. I've truly missed it. Life, real life, has a way of keeping you busy. We are nearing opening night of the play I did get into. And yes, I got the part of the pregnant lady. It's a drama and the last two scenes involve lots of emotion and crying, but it's a great way to grow as an actor, really streaches my limits. It's also emotionally draining and I'm tired every single night. But I love the theatre as much as I love breathing. I was even over-stressed the other night and felt some way too early contractions but after 20 minutes in the theatre, I was relaxed and the pain went away.

We are extremely under-staffed at work. I'm having to cover an office over two hours away twice a week which involves leaving my home office at 6:45a and not getting back until 6p. Then in August, a co-worker in my home office quit. She went on to what will surely be greener pastures for her and her family. But August is our busiest month and until yesterday, I was over two weeks behind. I'm amazed by what I can get done in two days time, I am now only three days behind on my own caseload.

My darling hubby is stubbornly holding out on rearranging our bedroom for the new baby saying, "We've got plenty of time." I pointed out to him that he's been saying that for four months now and we are down to only 12 weeks left! This baby isn't going to wait forever. Luckily, I have two daughters nearly my size to help and together we moved the bed to where I want it. I think this is the earliest I have ever had nesting syndrome and I can get quite emotional about it, just ask my girls. Some days when they've destroyed the house I am calm and reasonable with them about how important it is that the house stay clean. But other days I am the screaming banshee from hell! I think it would be easier if I was closer to my mom like last time and could take the kids to her house when I went into labor. This time I'm nearly two and a half hours away and will have to rely on the close friends we've made here to come to MY house. I could go insane with how worried I alway am about how clean my house should be when people come over. I even worry about the various religious persons to come knocking at my door for fear that they will see my laundry being folded in the living room because the garage is too hot. I know we'll get it to where I want it to be but the waiting is driving me nuts. Again, ask my girls... I think they secretly laugh behind my back about how crazy mom is right now.

2010-05-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

We had our first OB appointment this past Thursday, I was so excited. But we didn't get to hear the heartbeat or learn our due date. However, I am scheduled for an ultrasound this Thursday morning to find out. I really hope the baby is cooperative and we get to see/hear him.
The nausea is better but not entirely gone. I can't even stand the smell of my coffee after about 20 minutes. Actually, pretty much any food smell turns my stomach after 20 minutes. My children have been benefiting from lots of raw foods or things cooked outside on the grill because I just cannot stand the smell in my house. Also, a few nights of cereal for dinner, which for them is a real treat. I even made pancakes for dinner one night. I tried to make a huge batch of green chile stew only to get about halfway through before I couldn't stand the sight or smell of the raw pork. And don't even get me started on chicken! The only thing making this easier is the craving for pizza. Pizza allows me to get away with several things: satisfy the craving, no cooking, paper plates and no utensils. Hamburgers and peanuts cause me to rapidly fly to the bathroom, yeck! But an avocado sandwich is bliss, especially with baby spinach and cucumber slices on wheat bread, yum! And boy, do I have a sweet tooth! Chocolate, cookies, frozen yogurt. Daddy even had to text a friend one night to find out where she got the cookies from that she served at her bar-b-que because I REALLY wanted some. He's such a sweetie and got them for me. They also magically ease the nausea in the middle of the day.
I have learned that cereal for breakfast isn't enough to eat in the mornings. I get the shakes and hot flashes at around 10:30am and have to get something in my tummy quick. So I'll have to add a protein from now on. I also learned that the pickled ginger that came with my dragon roll the other day works wonders on the nausea! I knew ginger was great but pickled ginger I can suck on for-ever! Plus a dragon roll is always a great go-to when you can no longer have sashimi. We found a wonderful recipe for Spinach-Mushroom-Tofu soup in my "One Armed Cook" cookbook that has been great for the nausea too. Plus, it's got just enough protein and fiber to make a good main meal. I ate it for three days! Even my non-tofu and non-mushroom eaters ate every last drop and begged for more! Only one thing... the spinach feels funny on your teeth, sort of like screaming wax beans. (If you've ever eaten wax beans, you know what I mean. The screaming sorta freaks me out.)
I had my birthday this month, I'm on the slide to forty because I can no longer say I'm in the middle of my thirties... 36. What the hell? Where did the time go? I definitely don't feel that old! When my mom was 36, I was 14 and taller than her! She had teenagers at my age, and here I am pregnant with my 3rd/5th child! Her youngest was eight when she was my age. Perhaps that's why I admire her so much. By the time she was my age, she'd done so much. I'm proud of the things I've done too, but somehow, I feel like I dragged my feet a little. I know my mom wouldn't think of it that way, she's glad I took the time to live on my own, go to college, travel. I look back and I see that the reason I took so long to get out and do something was because I was scared. I was scared to leave home, go to college, get married, terrified of becoming a mom, horrified that I was going to be trapped, or worse, do it all wrong. My only regret is the time I wasted being scared all the time. I see that there is so much I would've done better if I hadn't let fear hold me. So I'm taking 36, pregnancy and all, and I've going to face my life, my choices, my husband, my family without fear that I'm doing it wrong. I'm going to live without that voice in my head that says "I can't", the voice that says "I shouldn't", or what "would your parents think?" I have a loving husband and family who are so supportive of me. I have an opportunity to do a play I have wanted to do since I first heard of it. I will be approximately six months pregnant when it is performed. The character I hope to play is six to seven months pregnant. I know one person (whom I love dearly) will not be happy with my decision to be in a production while I'm pregnant and my husband is left at home with the children. But my husband and children are supportive of me, and I will count on them and not let the fear of what "one person" might say or think of me determine my actions. I will do what I love one more time before I put away my costumes to birth and bond with this baby.
That, in not quite a nutshell, is this month. At least until Thursday!

Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness

2010-04-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I'd forgotten several things about early pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted all day and having to pee several times a day. Granted, I really wanted this and was so worried about this pregnancy since I hadn't had any morning sickness but I'd forgotten how bad it could be. I'd had some nausea the past week but yesterday just about had me calling in sick. I've lucked out so far and I haven't thrown up like I did with B-Boy (almost but not quite), but at least with him it really was just morning sickness and not all day sickness. I'd get up a half hour earlier just to get it out of the way and continue on with the rest of my day. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep and drink tea. Today, I woke up without a voice - not a good thing since tonight is opening night for Clue! The Musical. I have a voice now but I'm saving it for tonight. (Can the understudy get an understudy?) I'm starting to believe my husband when he said I was really doing too much: work, rehearsal, baking cakes, growing a child. I actually had to turn down a job for a cake this week. Sad, too, as it was to be from one of our friends to another of our friends; but two days notice with 9 hour work days and 4 hour dress rehearsals does not a cake bake. I swear he almost smiled when I told him I just plain couldn't do it and that sleep was more important to me than the 40 bucks I could make. Yep, an extra three hours of sleep is worth $40 to me right now. Worse though is that the cake they did buy, according to my husband, didn't taste too good and made him sick most of the afternoon. He didn't even want to eat lunch! And if you knew Daddy (the human garbage disposal who weighs in at 123 soaking wet) you wouldn't believe it. Luckily for me, the next two cakes I have scheduled (May and June) are after theatre season. Tomorrow, I am soooo sleeping in because I don't have to be anywhere until 6pm - except grocery shopping. Oh, and cleaning the fridge. And laundry. And....

It's Official.....We're Pregnant!

2010-04-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final verdict is in and we are indeed pregnant! My poor veins in my left arm are still screaming from being abused three times this week, but it's well worth it for such wonderful news. Our hcg level is 976 which puts us approximately at 5 weeks. I told my mom first and she was ecstatic! We're making plans to travel to Las Cruces to tell my brother and s-i-l and then go shopping at the outlet mall for cute maternity wear! I gave most of what I had last time (5 years ago) to clients at the career center where I worked. Just as well, they went to ladies who needed them and by now would've been outdated. I still have four pieces - black jeans, black skirt, purple satin blouse, and teal/white striped business dress shirt - classics with some color.
So this will make pregnancy number three for Daddy and me, but baby number 5! We'll be lucky number 7! I'm going to make the most of this pregnancy because we are planning this to be the last. Neither of us are spring chickens anymore, this baby will be born just before Daddy turns 40. Plus there is the issue of space, we can't exactly start stacking kids on top of each other. Our van only seats 7. So this last baby will complete our family until at least ten years from now when our first daughter will be in her mid-twenties and we might be ready for grandbabies. I don't have an official due date yet, but it's somewhere around B-Boy's birthday. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for your prayers!

A perfect day

2010-03-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

It is a perfect day. I do not mean was, because the day in it's entirety was so perfect that if I were to look back at it ten years from now, it would continue to be the perfect day. Just as a painting is beautiful, even though it was painted a hundred years ago, the perfection still continues to exist.
Sunday, March 28th, 2010 - the perfect day for the Powell family.
We woke without alarm clock assistance to a sunny day. I felt happy for no reason other than I was happy. Our son, B-Boy, snuggled with us for a few minutes before announcing that his tummy by rumbling. Josie-bean curled up at my feet so quietly that I thought for a moment that she was the cat. The children ate cereal and I made eggs while Daddy made toast. While we finished eating, the children showered and got ready for church without repeated reminders or raised voices.
Palm Sunday services were beautiful. Father Bill asked Daddy if his office had called him because he would like Daddy to represent one of the apostles on Holy Thursday. Daddy has the same name as an apostle. So he will be getting his feet washed, therefore, I'll be giving him a pedi and making him take his shoes off in the house.
We stopped at home for lunch and then went to the bowling alley. Daddy and some of the folks where he works participated in Bowl for Kids' Sake and loved it enough to want to try to bowl every weekend. This weekend only included our family and one other couple, but it was very fun.
We stopped at the house for a potty break and stale bread then went to the zoo. The children played at the playground in the warm sun for a while. Then we walked around looking at all the animals and fed the ducks at the fishing pond. The children were angels!
After a quick stop at Sam's for steak and veggies, we went to Classics for some chocolate custard cones - delish! We went home and fired up the grill. Daddy grilled the steaks while I steamed veggies and gently cooked some scallops. It was my first time cooking scallops and they came out perfectly! We actually sat at the table for dinner, prayer, and conversation. We all promised ourselves we would try our best to make Sunday dinner always at the table. The children's manners were impeccable - pleases, thank yous, and may I be excused. They even cleared their own plates, even our four year old, B-Boy!
One by one, the little ones left for bed. Then Daddy and I cuddled up, talked about the perfect day, and drifted off to sleep.
I will never forget this perfect day.

Spring!

2010-03-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

So here I sit in my office with no window to the outside world and only a 24"x24" skylight ten feet above my head giving me any sense of the fact that Spring has begun to show her presence. It's an opaque skylight at that. I love this time of year.... except for my allergies. But those are relatively controlled by my bottle of Zyrtec. I was smarter this year and bought the super-duper-extra large double-pack of them at Sam's. Though I'm sure when I run out, it will take me weeks before I remember to get them again and I'll also run out of tissues.
New Mexico springs are quite different from other places I've lived. In Florida, the change of seasons is sudden - one week it's warm and the next it's warmer. In Panama, it was either the rainy season (and you got rain everyday) or it was the dry season (no rain for months). In California, winter was bitter cold and wet and then went instantly into summer. But here in New Mexico, winter tends to drag it's feet during departure. There are little peeks into what spring with bring - the trees are already budding, some have flowered, the skinny squirrels are running amok having shed all their fat from the fall. There are even blissfully warmish days of sunshine which get you thinking that you can plan a glorious weekend outside, feeling the warm sun on your face, after spending a week long lifetime in a room with no real windows.
And then the e-mails start coming in about how your northern (only 300 miles) away offices are closing because of inclement weather. You walk outside at lunch to run an errand and feel the chill in the air and see some distant dark clouds. By 7pm on Friday night, a cold rain begins. "Oh, it's just a little rain. It'll be nice tomorrow," you say as you head to Wal-mart for something you forgot. Then as you're driving in the cold rain, something changes. The rain becomes... slower....colder....FLUFFIER! You wake up Saturday thinking you just dreamt it all. Put on your sandals to head outside and feed the dog only to quickly run back in shivering because there's snow on the ground and it's freezing cold! Ugh! So much for a sunny Saturday.
This week started off cold and windy. There were some ominous clouds yesterday but they cleared off by the afternoon. Got only one office closure e-mail yesterday, last night was lovely. This morning there was ice on my car.
New Mexico... you surely keep me on my toes. But I'm shopping for sandals today no matter what the weather brings!

Instant Gratification

2010-03-11T15:01:00.000-08:00

Our son, B-Boy, has developed the habit of whining. I loathe whining. I believe whining is the only thing in the world that I loathe so much as to actually use the word "loathe." He whines because whatever it is he wants, he wants it NOW. Children today are being raised in a world of Instant Gratification. If you want something, it's only a flash of plastic away. Even our information and knowledge. Gone are the days of working for knowledge. If you want to know who first discovered the platypus, just Google/KGB/Bing it! No more heading to the library (by foot), looking up the right encyclopedia (in a card index), and physically turning pages and reading paragraph after paragraph about the platypus until reaching your answer - Dr. George Shaw, but only after the aboriginal people knew about them for thousands of years! You want to watch a certain movie, Netflix can instantly play it on your computer.
My point? Where is the waiting?
Waiting is a rapidly disappearing skill! And yes, skill, because you have to learn to wait. It's not something you are born with. Even as adults we need to redevelop our skill to wait. Can't afford it, don't charge it - Wait till it's on sale and you've saved the money. Want the kids to just grow up already - Wait, childhood is short enough as it is. Tempted to just give the child what he wants so he'll stop whining (which is loathsome) - Wait, because this too shall pass and he'll have learned the valuable skill called Waiting.
Instant Gratification can kiss my booty - though I'm sure I'll have to wait for that!

Baby? Baby-not?

2010-02-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

So Daddy and I have attended two Natural Family Planning classes and have found them very informative. After the first one, we had a discussion about giving it a try since I have had trouble with almost every other kind of birth control.
Believe me when I say trouble: The pill gave me irregular periods, made migraines worse and was difficult to remember to take every single day; The patch made me nauseous at the beginning of every week, didn't like to stay put, and wasn't reliable when I was on an antibiotic; The shot made me sick for three days every time I had to take it, gave me thirty-five extra pounds and also made me panic when Aunt Flo stopped showing up for her visits. Then came the IUD which sounded like it would be the right one. I didn't have any nausea, didn't have to think about it except to check for the strings once a month, didn't have as many migraines (though the ones I did have were worse). But it gave me spotting nearly every single day for the last nine months! I rarely went three days without spotting, was too scared to wear my pretty panties, and should've owned stock in Carefree pantyliners! And then.... the strings disappeared!
So Daddy and I weighed our options and compared notes. We both agreed that the best I ever felt was in the few months between stopping the depo shots and having the mirena put it. I wasn't in as much pain and no nausea. And while he was still on the fence about another baby, I was certain I wanted to give B-Boy a baby brother (or sister if that's what God has planned for us). Plus, hearing that I couldn't be absolved of my sins if I continued to use artificial contraceptives was a shock. I mean, seriously, I can't be forgiven for any of my sins if I continue to use birth control? I was a cradle Catholic, my mom was going to be a nun until she reunited with my dad - she used birth control - wouldn't she have told me that? And no, I don't blame my mom, she had other issues that required her to be extremely careful about how many and when to have her babies. Perhaps I missed something in CCD classes growing up, but while I do remember a short paragraph in my confirmation book (which I still have 18 years later) it wasn't really emphasised as anything other than a personal choice, just sort of frowned upon. Our decision? Commit to NFP, period. Daddy's biggest reason, my health. My biggest reason, to prepare my body for the best chance at another baby. As a couple, for our faith and our marriage. Neither of us are "bible-thumpers" and we'll be the first to admit we have had our fair share of sinning. But somehow, this just feels right. We had the IUD removed over a month ago. Aunt Flo made her first normal visit, temperatures were taken, other things that would be considered TMI were observed, charts were recorded.
And then.... Daddy changed his mind and wants another baby! Little fireworks went off in my heart (and then the bedroom). Charting continues, but as of now, we're pretty sure there isn't a bun in the oven. I told my mom yesterday and her reply was, "When it's God's will." How true. But I cannot tell the world enough how much better I feel. I've been pretty close to pain free for a month! I'm so much happier being free to leave it in God's hands. I'm not even sure if Daddy understands just how much happier I feel but I'm sure he sees it. He has definitely noticed how much I'm NOT in pain. Even my doctor noticed a difference and it fits with the diagnosis of what he thinks I have. Do I feel closer to God? Yes, I do. It's weird in a way because I don't think I've felt like this since my confirmation. The day I went to my appointment to have the IUD removed, a funny thought entered my mind. What if all the problems I've always had with chemical birth control have been God's way of telling me it wasn't the way to go and I just wasn't listening? And as I was thinking over that, I was walking to my car to go to lunch and my appointment. For the first time ever, I heard the bells ring from the monastery down the street. I leave for lunch at the same time everyday and have never heard the bells before. I took it as a sign that I was finally doing the right thing. Hearing the bells on the day I was following through on a change of heart. I thank God for that. If it is in His plan to give us another child or not, I will be happy because He has brought me four wonderful children in a way I had never planned for.

Roller Coaster Heartache

2010-02-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

This is not an easy post. But then, this is not an easy life. And writing this is going to be hard either way because I can't really post what I am feeling or what I'm feeling it about. Partly because of who might be reading this and knows me. Mostly because I don't even have it sorted out in my head.
It's no one's fault perhaps except my own for being so naive in believing I was being told the truth. Also because I expected a promise from years ago to be fulfilled when I was ready. And yes, granted it could still come to pass - so am I wrong for feeling betrayed when there is still time for what was promised to happen? But can I hold out hope that he will change his mind? Is it even worth the fight if it destroys what he has planned for our future? And his plans wouldn't be destroyed, just postponed for about as long as he has postponed what I (and originally "we) wanted.
But I love him. More than I thought was possible. But is what he wants me to do asking just too much? It's so similar to what my ex-husband demanded. I know he's nothing like Jason, but why ask this of me? Does he not trust me? If he did, he wouldn't ask me to do this. And yet, I know he trusts me because I can do the things I like and be away from our home and he doesn't question. I've not given him any reason to worry. But for this one person, he cannot let go.
I don't know what to do. I've got no one to talk to. My best friend is my husband and I cannot talk things through about my husband with my husband. So I hand this over to the blog-o-sphere and just ask for prayers because I can't ask for advice on something I can't talk about.

What is with this freaky weather!?!

2010-02-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

It's cold. Then it's warm. Freezing, then nice. And all the freaky snow!!! There is a saying her in New Mexico, "Don't like the weather, just wait fifteen minutes." That couldn't be more true this winter. We have had more snow than I have ever seen. And I've lived here on and off for over twenty years! We've even been sent home early or on delays and had one full snow day here.
I know what our northern friends are thinking, that they still go to work in several feet of snow. But let me tell ya, New Mexico roads are not built for cold weather. It isn't so much the inches of snow (or in some places - 2 feet), it's that it's usually so warm here right before a snowfall that the snow melts right away or starts as rain. Then all that water gets to below freezing and becomes an inch or two of ice beneath the four inches of snow.
I have a lovely little device on my car called "traction control" and I never thought I would ever use it except if I hit some "New Mexico Black Ice," which is really just the film of oil that floats on top of the thin sheets of water when it does rain. It can be dangerous stuff but it doesn't happen often. I even laughed when I discovered the button for it. "Oh, I'll never use this. We're in New Mexico." I AM NOT LAUGHING NOW. This winter, though, my traction control has automatically activated itself all but two of the days it has snowed. I've noticed that most of my companions on the road don't even bother to try to stop at a four way stop. They just slow down enough to let you go on your turn.
Yesterday was nice, not too cold and the sun was out.
Today has been cold, rainy, then sleet, then snow, and now nothing but cold again.
Where's my fifteen minutes of sunshine?

Just needing to blow some smoke...

2010-01-25T15:45:00.000-08:00

Appropriate phrasing for the title there.
I just discovered, quite unexpectedly, that Daddy has been smoking again for nearly three months! Argh! I only noticed because I smelled his hair and he smelled of fake strawberries and cigarette smoke. And no, I have no idea where the strawberry smell is from. He admitted to smoking for the last three months in secret. I'm clearly not happy as this to me is lying. I've been blissfully going along praising my husband for quiting smoking in August and handling it so well when in reality.... he's been hiding it behind my back. I'm very disappointed and while I understand that it is an addiction that is very hard to overcome, that does not permit lying to me about it. Ugh!

Another Opening, Another Show....

2010-01-20T15:35:00.000-08:00

Only a few more weeks till opening night. 16 days to be exact. We're getting down to the wire and I've still got to choose two outfits. I've got my gown and my pajamas, but my regular clothes still need to be sorted out. The stage looks great, we've really got it looking like a rustic lakeside cabin. There's even some taxidermy animals and fish! Am I nervous? Not yet, and I think I'm going to be fine. At my age, I don't think there's really any reason to get nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure anything I screw up on I'll be able to laugh at. There's even a part where I'm dressed to the nines in my glittery red gown and I let out a loud burp! How UN-ladylike! My "stage" husband has been a real trouper through all this. I have to push him several times up stairs and through doors. If I were really that type of wife, I'm sure I wouldn't be a wife for long. This character has been alot of fun, and exhausting. She's a real stretch from my last character nine years ago. Not sweet and innocent, but cunning and insincere.
My real life husband has also been my knight in tarnished armor throughout this whole experience. He's taken command of picking up B-Boy from daycare and getting the girls to CCD on Wednesdays. He's even been cooking dinner on more than just two nights a week! And pretty good dinners at that! Without him, I wouldn't be able to do this. He is so much more understanding than my last husband was about "stage husbands/boyfriends" or "theatre kisses." I'll have to do something extra special for him to thank him when this is all done. Any suggestions?
By the way...
Daddy had his birthday this past Saturday and I surprised him with a Slave 1 birthday cake. For those of you who are not Star Wars geeks, that would be Bubba Fett's spaceship. All the guys were totally geeking out on the cake! I'm so proud of myself and Daddy was ecstatic! I'll get pics on here as soon as I can.

I just can't stop laughing!

2009-12-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

The following was a conversation that still has me laughing. I just had to share.

Josie: "Dad! Brandon said Bah-bah-goo-bah!"
Dad: "Well, tell him Flibbidygoush."
Josie (to Brandon): "Flibbidygoush!"
Brandon: "Ooooo, that's a baaad wooord!"

*Seriously those were the words they used!

Blooming where I've been planted

2009-12-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

When we made the decision to move to Roswell, I'll admit I was scared. I believe I even blogged about my fear. Today I rejoice in the fact that it was a great decision. I have grown as a mother, wife, and most recently as myself in the year and a half that we have been here.

I'm more confident in mothering because I'm not constantly worried about if my mom would've done something different knowing she'll hear about it when the kids arrive at her house after school. Not that I don't still have my mom's voice in the back of my mind giving advice, but I've been forced to make the decisions without her being only five minutes away to ask her advice. I've even managed to buy a few clothes without her opinion, something I hadn't really done since my internship in Florida back in '96! I've even cut my hair twice, dyed it once, and made my first purse purchase without asking my mom to go with me and give her opinion. Believe me folks when I say that's a BIG deal.

My new role as wife isn't too much different now than what it was before I made Daddy an honest man. "Discussions" are fewer but tend to be more intense as we continue to learn each other. I'm trying to make sure my husband knows I love him and how proud of him I am for his accomplishments. It isn't easy as he tends to be terribly hard on himself and takes any downfall personally. His moods, depression, anger at himself and misdirection of frustration can be very trying. Being the shield between him and the children at those times really takes a toll on me, both in heart and energy. He also gets very frustrated waiting for answers about my health from my doctors, but we've found one who shares his frustration because HIS wife is going through a similar lack of diagnosis. Daddy seems to be more patient, though I do have to remind him not to take out his frustrations on the children. He really is a better parent than when we first began this journey.

I have made my return to the theatre! Woo Hoo! It has been nine years since the last production I've been in. That is unless you count my continuous role of "mom" in the production called "Parenting, or How Nurturing a Parasitic Organism for 9 Months can lead to Insanity." The Roswell Community Little Theatre is producing "The Money in Uncle George's Suitcase" and I play one of his nieces who is a bit of a snob (so unlike me) who, with her con-artist husband and most of the other family members, turns into a money hungry monster. I'm having a blast in rehearsals. Last week we rehearsed the scene where I've fallen into a tub of earthworms and come running on stage screaming! Last night was the scene where I'm swallowed by the couch! Once I have my lines memorized, I'll be able to work on the dramatics more. The rest of the cast is wonderful, so many different, fun, friendly people. Our director and another lady are in The Enchanters ladies choir and asked me to join.

The Enchanters sing a'capella harmony and I have been welcomed with open arms. Excepting, perhaps, the director's daughter, I'm the youngest person there... and I'm 35! The Enchanters have been around for 30 years and several of the ladies have been there for the entire history. I love to be there watching and listening to the group harass and chide each other like old friends do. They are all of an age where they just tell it like it is but no one's feelings get hurt. My sides still hurt from laughing so much Monday night!

From on the heels of the invite from The Enchanters.... I was asked this past Sunday to join the choir at our church. When I was 18, my confirmation teacher told me that my talents were a gift from God and that it is only right to give back to God and his church. So how do you tell the church that you can't because you're too busy with other things? YOU DON'T! While I really can't take another evening rehearsal because that would be very unfair to Daddy, they did let me know that I could come to rehearse the hour before church. Since I'm already going to be there for church, being there an hour earlier is not a problem. Even better? I can bring the girls with me since they are all fledgling vocalists themselves! So that only leaves Daddy with our son to wrangle in the pew on Sundays.
Roswell, New Mexico..... I think I've found my place in the world.

Getting Ready or Things I'd Rather Do Than Have the Flu!

2009-10-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

Fast approaching is my favorite time of the year, the annual trinity of companionship and fun. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And there is nothing in this world that prepares me better for this season than a drive through wooded mountains through the falling reds and golds of autumn leaves. This past Sunday I got to do just that. I almost felt like I was in a commercial for some new sports car - granted it took alot of imagination since I drive a mini van. But it is red, so at least I didn't have to imagine the color.
My drive Sunday led me to my parents' house to visit with my brother, his beautiful wife, and my precious little neice. She had her first birthday party on Saturday which we, very unfortunately, had to miss because of monetary reasons due to my having been sick the previous two weeks. More on that later. It was a grand affair including clowns (my brother and his wife), costumed children, a pinata bigger than my youngest two children together, jumping balloons, and cotton candy! I would've loved to go and my brother and his wife were sorely disappointed that we could not attend, though they did understand why. So, in true loving brother manner (even if he won't admit it), my brother offered to meet at our parents' place with cotton candy machine in tow and even assist with our gas costs to get there. With my parents' home only 2.5 hours drive (5 hrs total) instead of the 4 hour drive (8 hrs total) to my brother's place, we were able to meet them after a little shuffling around of the financial picture and catching two errors in Daddy's balancing of the checkbook. We were up to our eyeballs in sugary goodness - cotton candy, cake, popcorn balls (my favorite!!! You did hear that Crystal, right?), cookies, and rice crispy treats! Yum! I think I managed to gain back all that weight I lost when I was sick! Best of all, baby Kate loved her present!
This weekend is our annual Halloween Costume Party! I've got more decorations this year, a better idea of the menu, and some party games to play with prizes for the winners and costume contest. It's pretty exciting getting the house ready for the encore party to last year's that people are still talking about.
Thanksgiving this year will be at my home for the first time. This isn't to say I haven't made Thanksgiving dinner before. This is just the first time when my parents are coming to MY house. My mom is having surgery on her wrist and won't even be able to lift a pan, forget about a turkey. My dad is having a procedure done on his spine (ouch) and will be a little out of commission as well. So we'll bring them here to Alientown for a three legged turkey and green mashed potatoes! Just kidding! Traditional flair here with a couple of dishes made special for my mom who is watching her diet because of diabetes. In my book, there is no reason why she shouldn't enjoy the feast and still not worry about going over her limits.
Christmas will be with Nana Alice and the Greats in Phoenix! I'm so excited about visiting with them. I can't wait to play Perfect with the Greats until the wee hours of the morning! I want to gift them something special, but I'm unsure of what. Any ideas from the blog-o-sphere would be appreciated on gifts for a lovely retired couple.
The Dreaded Flu---
Luckily, I did not get the H1N1 or N1H1, whatever - swine flu. But this season's normal flu kicked my ass (sorry for those with tender ears/eyes but it really did)! I went to bed very early on the 12th and woke up at 4:30am with a fever and in pain all over! I called in to work and crawled back into bed after begging Daddy to just try to get me an appointment with ANYONE! Sleep was my body's friend. I was seen by a doctor by 9am. I had the flu which weaken my body so much I also got a bladder infection and strep throat - a triple whammy ala "mommy isn't home right now, please leave a message and if she's still living she hug you later, just keep away because she doesn't want to get you sick." I had so many antibiotics and medications that I couldn't stomach anything other than soup, noodles and ginger ale. I only made my return to beef a couple of days ago, the thought of hamburgers turns my stomach. This was, however, a prayer answered by God. The weekend before, BB had been very sick with a fever, headache, and her asthma was really bad - all the signs of swine flu which has killed several children in our town. As I held her in my bed to try to cool her body, I prayed to God to not have any of my babies be sick. I prayed that if anyone should be sick, let it be me because I didn't want to risk losing my babies. The next day, BB was better (her asthma still gave her fits all week) and I was sick. Thank you God! I tried to go back to work after two days and lasted just the day, going home to sleep the rest of the night and most of the next day. I went to Oktoberfest in Ruidoso and it wore me out again. I went again to work on Monday, only to be told to turn my hacking little self around and go home and sleep until I visited my doctor and got the okay to come back. I wasn't trying to get anyone sick (and no one did) but my doc had only given me two days off on the note to my boss. My boss said she didn't care what the doctor says, she would rather have me all the way rested and better than delay my recovery coming back to work not fully recovered. Have I mentioned I really love where I work! The toll on the checkbook was not pretty, nearly $200 worth of co-pays for medications and the two doctor visits (dr visits are only $10 so you can imagine the costs of the medications, glad I have insurance). This led to being unable to travel for my niece's first birthday party, but I am glad to have my health back. Now I'm just working on the stamina.
So if you haven't or don't usually get you flu shot, I highly recommend getting it/making an exception. If not for you, do it for your kids, it's no laughing matter. Besides, you want to be able to eat that "parental tax" from your kids goodie bag this Saturday. Happy Halloween!

Works For Me Wednesday

2009-08-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

This is my first "Works For Me Wednesday" post. Hopefully, it won't be my last.

In my chosen profession, or rather the one I've fallen into but love it like I chose it, I have the opportunity to meet families of all sizes. Unfortunately, I also meet alot of harried moms and/or dads. Their common thread? They are trying to balance work and/or school and having multiple young children in the home. Many feel guilty about not spending as much time with their children as they think they need to. With each of them, I share what has worked for me with my four little ones (with a try at #5 next year).

Every workday morning, Daddy wakes me up at 5:30. That may be too early for some, but just try waking 30 minutes earlier than you would normally need to. I put on my robe and walk to the couch where I have a few sips from my coffee. I snuggle with Daddy for five to ten minutes. Then I wake the children. I then take turns snuggling each child for about five minutes. I ask them if the slept well, what dreams did they have, what are they looking forward to today? Then I send them off to get dressed and ready for school or camp. Each child gets individual time with me and starts everyday with a long hug and knowing that we love them. This works for my 12 year old all the way to my 3 year old, they know I love them even though I can't spend as much time as I want to with them. We're going for quality here because quantity is something we really don't have much control over.
Hope this works for others like it has here with me and some of my families. Good Luck.

Ups, Downs, and All Arounds...

2009-07-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Definitions - Ups: that which I am happy or otherwise feeling well about; Downs: that which I am upset or angry or just plain frustrated about; All Arounds: as in where I have been this past weekend!
UPS: I am infinitely overjoyed at having all four of my children together again. While it was great having a honeymoon sans ninos, my house and my heart have been missing the chaos. My heart actually leaped at the mild banter between Lena and BB as they reasserted their place in the family ranks. My sweet BB has changed so much in the last two months. She has begun to "blossom" requiring the purchase of a few bras for her, heels and chocolate for me (this nine-year-old is taller than my eyebrows now). I believe that Brandon, especially, is grateful to have his sister back. I think he missed her most of all. I wish I had a great big beanbag to flop on with all my children on it to cuddle.
DOWNS: In retrieving BB from Texas, I was required to meet with my ex-husband, Jason and his wife Celeste. While I have lived a wonderful life without his presence, he feels the need as of late to try to cram himself into mine. Mostly I think his need to visit with BB only came about when I got engaged to Daddy and he realized that there was a far better man than him being the daddy for our little girl. Many people ask me if I wish he were dead for what he put me and BB through and I surprise them and say no. I agree that there were several incidents where one might wish he were dead, a few where if I had fought back it would have been self-defense, but as many who work with abused women know - I was fearful that any fighting would just be "kicking the beehive" for worse punishment. So there I was sitting in a Denny's on Fort Hood Road sipping on a root bear at 8am with my husband on one side and my ex-husband on the other listening to him and his wife argue in Spanish while his son played video games and BB got reacquainted with her sister, Lena. He promised BB that he would take her to Six Flags and Sea World, broken - they didn't go, which is why we were getting her Saturday morning instead of Sunday so that once again we could keep a promise made by the absent (-minded) parent. He promised that he would get her military ID renewed as it had expired a few months ago, broken - which will now require that I take an entire day off from work to travel 2.5 hours to the nearest military instillation, sit in line, explain for the up-teenth time that I have sole custody, show my wrinkled and dusty divorce papers, wait to be called up, get her picture taken, wait for it to be processed and then drive 2.5 hours back home. Oh! And that's after I wait for him to mail back the expired ID. She was wearing clothes that Jason bought for her which were too tight for my innocent baby to wear, but after seeing his wife I know why. Don't get me wrong, I don't really know the young lady and honestly she seemed nice enough. But her clothes looked like they were painted on because every roll showed and her pants left little to the imagination. If she'd been I guy, you would've been able to tell if he was circumcised or not! I'll admit I'm definitely no skinnie-minnie, but I do know what not to wear. If we were friends, I get an intervention from Stacy and Clinton on TLC for her. While I'm sure that no permanent damage has been done, it won't be easy to get BB to give up what little her father has given her. He was also very rude about why he bought clothes and tennis shoes for her, saying the items she came with (bought by my mom) were inappropriate to such an active girl. Really he could've just not said anything. There were other thing she did at which I am miffed, but I shall save them for an ex rant post. In any event, her visit is over and I don't foresee another one on the horizon after various misgivings on this visit.
AND ALL AROUND: I, and I'm sure Daddy, would love it if we could avoid spending anymore time in the car! We spent Thursday leaving from work to Grandma/Grandpa's to drop off B-Boy and Josie and then driving back. Return time - 11:30pm. Friday we left for Ft. Hood, Texas at 6:30pm right after work. A bad storm had us pulled over in a picnic area for an hour. We arrived in the Denny's parking lot at 5am Saturday morning. We discovered that having a van is a blessing on long trips by saving us from spending money on a hotel room which was only going to be used for two hours. We just pulled down the backseat into the floor storage, dropped down a thick comforter, placed two pillows and pulled a blanket over us - Instant Bed! After sleeping for an hour and a half, we woke, got dressed and went into Denny's for some breakfast. After byes, we drove to San Antonio for a day of fun (and rain) at Six Flags Fiesta Texas. Then we spent a pleasant night in our hotel room and left after breakfast to pick up Josie and B-Boy in Alamogordo. Finally we made it to our home in Roswell, NM just before midnight on Sunday.
A bit of a whirlwind excursion, but well worth it to have all my babies back home!

The Start of Something Big?

2009-07-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Here it is. No, this is not my wedding cake. I promise to blog about my wedding soon now that I have found a way to upload my pictures. This is the wedding cake I made for a dear friend of mine as her gift from me. This wedding cake was quoted to her by a bakery in our town at $700! So you could say I gave her a $700 gift (snicker with glee). I won't say this cake wasn't alot of work. It was. But it was also a joy which made it not seem like any work at all. It was also practice for a possible BIG venture. When I made my wedding cake, a beautiful but small one for my small wedding, I was immediately asked to make one for the young lady who caught my bouquet (her wedding was this morning and I'm delivering her cake this evening, pics to come). Upon my return from my honeymoon, another friend told me how beautiful my cake was and how did it taste. My reply was to bring her a sample of the cake. She loved it! So I was asked if I could make her cake and how much/what did she need to buy, she already had the stand you see here. I didn't ask her for anything, as my gift to her, I would purchase the necessary items. My payment came this past Saturday night at her reception.

My friend "S" didn't cry during her wedding. She didn't cry during the vows. She didn't cry during the kiss. She didn't even cry during the father-daughter dance. My friend "S" only cried when she took a look at her cake, gave me a big huge hug and told me "Thank you! It's so beautiful! I don't want to cut it!" Which, being the sentimental fool lately, turned on the taps to my own waterworks and we both had to grab napkins to avoid the raccoon-look that runny mascara would bring. That was my payment, the joy on my bride's face, and I will hold that in my heart forever.

Now the decision is on me to develop my own side endeavour of creating affordable wedding cakes. So far, I haven't done anything fancy. But they are beautiful and I am happy to do them. I have met a few people in the weeks since my wedding who are willing to help me advertise my own business of wedding cakes, I have only to create business cards and a web page of my work. It is something I can do on my own time, keeping the day-job I love, and I can schedule only as many cakes as I can do without overwhelming myself. With four kids, that's important. But most of all, it is something I can create and learn from, keeping my mind young and my fingers nimble.

Okay, I can't resist. Here are pics of my wedding cake (these are from my camera).

I loved the Cinderella carriage.

My ex-husband is a TURKEY!!!!!

2009-07-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

My ex-husband has set a new definition for cruelty and pig-headed-ness. This afternoon I missed a phone call from my ex-husband's phone and then received the voice-mail. The timid voice on the line stated she was BB and she'd had an accident but it was taken care of, bye mom, I love you.
Naturally, my heart began pounding and the various mommy-versions of "accident" raced through my mind as I dialed my phone frantically to return the call.
My ex answered the phone:
Ex: "You didn't tell me about BB on long trips and needing to go to the bathroom!"
Me: "Um, that's every kid." (Especially knowing this was a 12 hour trip)
Ex: "Well, MY kid isn't like that!" (Hasn't he been pointing out BB is his kid?)
Me: "Okay, well let me talk to her."
Ex: "I already took care of it, twice!"
Me: "Just let me talk to her."
BB: "Hi, Mom." (Ex in the background telling her to tell me "what she did"
Me: "Hi baby, heard you had a potty accident."
BB: "Yes, twice. But we changed my clothes and I'm okay now."
Me: "Well remember, sweetie. This isn't Mommy and Daddy you're with. This "daddy" doesn't know you like we do. So if you have a drink, the next town you see, ask to empty out just in case because he's not going to remember to ask you if you have to go."
BB: "Okay mommy."
Me: "Okay BB, be safe, I love you."
BB: "I love you too mom!"
So here I sit fuming and contemplating running to Ft. Hood, Texas to get my little girl back from an asshole! Seriously! This crap coming from a man who has spent much less than the six years his son (not to mention the ten years his daughter) has been alive actually practicing parenthood! Your normal child will need the restroom eight to ten time in a 24 hour period if they are properly hydrated - less if they are sweating. In a 12 hour drive, this means at least 4 times. And what about the emotional damage for her? She's already feeling pretty embarrassed and upset about having the accident twice, then he's comparing her to his accident-free (and possibly dehydrated) six year old AND making her call her mother to admit her mistake so that he can somehow turn it into the mother's fault!?! Ugh! In my fuming, I completely forgot to ask BB what she had for breakfast. Because if he gave her regular milk with her cereal, that would be the reason for the bladder accidents, which is clearly typed out on the Medical Procedure handout I gave him with the power of attorney. I'll ask her tonight, because if that's the case, then he owes both of us a HUGE apology. I'm seriously doubting a second visit.

At last!

2009-06-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

We are married! Photo and more to come! Including some honesty

47 Hours Left!

2009-06-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

In less than two days, I will be a married woman! And still there is so much to do.
Every few minutes, I'm getting a text or phone call from someone asking if I have this or that. Honestly, I was really just going to the "simple" wedding, but I've come to realize there is no such thing. I completely forgot the following: toasting glasses, garter, and how did we want to be introduced after the ceremony. I finished baking and frosting the cakes last night, today I will roll, press and place the purple fondant and box them. I must also complete the fairy wings (but I'm honestly wishing I could just go buy some) and alter two of the girls dresses. Then I just need to pack, load up the van tomorrow, pick up the flowers and my dress and be on my way! Tomorrow afternoon, I can take just for myself. I'm just hoping I can sleep!

Wedding and Twitter

2009-06-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

For some reason it came to my mind today: what would I write if I tweeted my wedding? Not that I would actually do that. Could you imagine someone tweeting during their own wedding? So I figured I'd write what I would say if I actually did tweet my wedding.

OMG! Didn't think I'd actually eat today but waffles are good!
Hotel showers = endless hot water
Just my luck, cut my leg shaving. Ouch!
Getting the kids hair curled, loverly.
Loverly just got that "I'm getting married in the morning" song stuck in my head.
Stupid fake nails are making things hard.
Off to Mountain Annie's to set up candy buffet
Quick dash for some lunch then to the beauty salon
Why can't my hair look this good everyday!?!
Back to Mtn Annie's to get dressed
4pm....SHOWTIME!
My little ones look georgeous and my best friends too.
First time seeing all my guest in their costumes!
Did I forget to mention its a Masquerade Ball?
Mom on the left, Dad on the right, here we go down the aisle.
Daddy looks so handsome. Crap! I'm gonna cry!
I think my sixpence just fell out of my shoe.
The officiate is my brother but I can't hear anything, brain is buzzing.
Here's my cue.........I do! (Hell yes, I do!!!!)
Yea! He said I do too! No turning back now.
My ring fits perfectly. Thank you yoga instructor, Michelle!!
Turn and see all those smiling faces, I think my dad is crying.
This is so different from the last time I got married, this time is right.
To the reception!

I'm getting married in the morning...

2009-06-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Ding, Dong the bells are gonna chime

Boys come and kiss me

Show how ya'll miss me

But get me to the church on time!

Eleven days from right this very moment I'll be getting married. As I told someone just a few days ago who asked if I was sure: YES, I'm sure! The first marriage was just my practice husband so I could learn what NOT to do! She though that was the perfect way to describe her first marriage too, practice.
I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to do my name. Should I hyphenate it, take his, keep both without a hyphen? It makes for a long name: Bobowski-Powell, but it has a certain ring to it. I have made some career and personal gains under the name Bobowski and I don't want to lose any credibility I've gained. But I'm not sure if I could legally keep the name Bobowski-Powell but only sign Powell? ANY help from anyone out there would be appreciated. Just leave it in the comments, please.
Unfortunately, we did not find the wedding rings. It would appear that our previous land-lady (or her son) did not give us all our boxes out of storage because we could tell other things were missing. So we've opted to purchase inexpensive rings, under $50 each, and promised ourselves that next year for our anniversary we'll get rings we really want.
More to come later.

17 and counting!

2009-05-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

Only 17 days left until the wedding! I'm getting my final checklist done but it's the little thing that are starting to bug me. I've found a photographer and our music is getting put on CD, but the little things like buying underwear, getting back response cards, buying more jars and candy are starting to bother me. Perhaps some yoga tonight will do this body some good.
Also annoying is that we still haven't found our wedding bands. I looked in every single box in the garage and Daddy looked in the storage unit. But, when I asked Daddy about looking in the storage unit he said he looked for the box he thought they were in, not in every box! Ugh! Men sometimes!

Mommy Day for Me!

2009-05-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

This post is a little late in developing due some some computer problems. Hopefully, all is well now.
Saturday was spent with my Mom lazing about playing cards and eating well while the kiddos splashed and laughed and screamed in the little pool outside until trembly voiced faces peered in through the screen saying, "M-m-may I h-h-h-have a to-o-o-wel-l-l, I'm fweeeeeezing." My Dad's BBQ chicken is the best! Our gift to Mom was one of those digital picture frame keychains. I figured it was the best gift for a Grandma with five grandchildren she wants to show off. Mom even got me a gift of bathtime indulgence. Now the only thing I need is a coupon for time free from child interruption while I take a bath.
Mother's Day brought me a breakfast not made by me to my favorite spot on the couch with complete control of the remote - chick flicks at my beck-and-call! Then Daddy and I spent some time going through the shed trying to find those wedding rings we bought four years ago before the wedding was post-phoned so many times. Did we find them? Not yet. Knowing our luck, they're in the garage. But we did find so many other things we'd forgotten including the card I got last Mother's Day from the kids... it still makes me laugh.
In the evening, we went to the bridge crossing ceremony for Miss M-bug, my best friend's daughter (who is Josie's best friend). This little Daisy scout is now a Brownie and still just as sweet.
Then it was time for dinner made by Daddy: Grilled shrimp over pasta! Yummy!
A great Mother's Day!

Licensed on Odd Day!

2009-05-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

I am soooooo excited!!!!!! Can you tell?
We just got our marriage license on Odd Day. Didn't even know it till after we picked it up. Turns out Odd Day only happens six time in a century! I'll definitely have to remember this.
Good times with the wedding dress. Took the dress to my seamstress today because the dress fits everywhere except the bust. Peter loves this but it makes finding dresses impossible for me. They usually fit everywhere but the bust or I find one to fit the bust and they hang everywhere else. So the seamstress looks at the dress and asks how it fit when I tried it on. I tell her it was about 2 1/2 inches from zipping all the way up but I've lost about an inch or so since because I starting going back to yoga class. She wants to wait three weeks and see where I'm at before she even touches my dress because I may not need it!!! Woo Hoo!
38 days and counting!

I've finally made my mother proud!

2009-04-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

Today I ordered some wedding supplies. I don't need much because Annie at Mountain Annie's is taking care of nearly everything for our special day, I'll devote an entire post to her soon. I ordered the freeze-dried purple rose petals for my flower girls to drop down the aisle, 30 silicone dried purple orchids for my wedding cake, and 100 white Chinese take-out boxes for our guests to fill with their candy buffet wedding favors. All for under $50.00! I texted this fact to my mom. Her response:
"SHIT! That's F*ing good, now ur my girl, love u :-) Mom!"
Yep, she's proud!

And they're off.......

2009-04-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

The wedding invitations are starting their journeys to their various destinations! Surprisingly, most of my mailed invitations are going to Arizona. A few of my friends have moved that way and plenty of Daddy's family members are living there as well. My fiance' has chosen beautiful stamps to put on the response cards, I'm so proud of him. I'm a little worried about his wedding attire because he texted me asking if I trusted him to choose his own clothing and I told him yes, which earned me a text back of "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!" Now, I'm worried because he's very excited about it and I know his Goth taste and while I'm sure he won't come to the wedding sporting the number 13 on his forehead, I'm not sure I like how "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet" his choice in clothing is. However, I will trust him because now I have no choice. Besides, this man helped me send the invitations by double checking that I had return addresses and licked each envelope (a task I despise ever since senior year, yet another story). I'm getting really stoked about this!

Easter Ow!

2009-04-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

This has been a very fun month. April Fool's for the boss went over great she just doesn't do balloons. Her husband even came out to take pictures of her car on his cell phone! I tried on my wedding dress this weekend and it fits everywhere except for my boobs. Figures. It's hard to find anything to fit over these things AND the rest of my body. With normal boobs, I'd probably fit in a size 8 or 10. My breasts are a size 34DDD, that's right, three D's. Depending on the bra style, sometimes a 36DDD. And yes, they're real. So my wedding dress needs to be altered about 2 1/2 inches for my boobs. Either we'll add a "V" shaped panel on each side under the arms or add loops and ribbon for a corset look to the back. I've also joined a gym in the hopes of maybe reducing the ol' gals, though the last time I just lost weight everywhere else but the ladies. Daddy is not looking forward to a possible reduction of fluff in the "love pillows."
Easter was great and as soon as I can, I'll post pictures. The Ow? My mom saved some cascarones from when we made our own last fiesta. Cascarones are eggs shells that have been carefully cracked open (eggs used for breakfast or whatever), cleaned out, filled with confetti, and sealed with tissue paper. It's loads of fun trying to sneak up on someone to crack it over their head and rub the confetti into their head. The usual way of cracking the egg is to squeeze it till it pops but some people will just smash the egg on your head. Josie, however, being small and just learning these traditions, came up with her own way when trying to surprise Daddy. Daddy was in Grandma's refrigerator squatting to look for something on the bottom shelf and Grandma took the opportunity to help Josie sneak up on him with a cascarone. Daddy was within reach for her. Josie stuck her head around the corner and said, "Daddy" and when Daddy looked up, Josie threw it at his head like she was pitching for the Yankees! The egg hit Daddy on the forehead, cracked, bounced over his head spilling confetti on him and the kitchen floor before landing about two feet behind him. Daddy had a small bruise on his head and said hit hurt. Grandma and I were dying with laughter. After she recovered, Grandma suggested to Josie that perhaps Daddy needed a kiss on his boo-boo. So Josie went up to Daddy to kiss it better but stopped said, "Eeww, Daddy you have confetti on your head" and refused to kiss him cause he was "gross!" This, of course, sent us all into a laughing tizzy and Grandma just about peed her pants! Perhaps we are on our way to creating our own baseball team, Josie can pitch!

Easter Preparations

2009-04-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

Following an order from my mother - we are going to our home town for the Easter holiday. According to my mother, we are not officially on our own for the holidays until we have been moved away for a year. Our year is not up until May 30th. Knowing my mom, it never will be. Holy Thursday will be in our new town of Roswell at our new church. Good Friday and Easter Vigil will be in our old church back home, so it's kind of nice to get a little Easter from each church.
Family tradition dictates that the Easter egg hunt is at my mom's house. The last two years this has included me getting up and over to my mom's house at four in the morning, hiding eggs with the Easter bunny, having a cup of coffee and a homemade scone and making it back to my house before the children wake up. It has also including a lot of cooking. This year our Easter dinner will be simpler because I no longer live five minutes away from mom and dad and there won't be much room to cook/re-heat things because mom's microwave died last weekend. I also don't have to drive at four in the morning. I'm sure I'll still be up at four in the morning, just not driving because we'll be staying at mom's. The best part about this year is that it is "Baby Kate's" first Easter, she is my brother and his wife's baby girl. My personal tradition is that every child gets a chocolate bunny for Easter, even Baby Kate. Yes, I know that at five months old she can't eat it, but she'll still get one. Why? Because I always wanted a solid chocolate bunny for Easter as a kid and times being what they were, we didn't always get even a hollow one. Times being what they are now, we don't/can't get everything our children want. But at least they'll have a chocolate bunny.

April Fool's

2009-04-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

On my office door this morning was a note saying, "Happy April Fools Day." Then I opened my door. Strewn all over the floor, desk, chairs and computer were bright colored shredded paper strips. The button on my computer was taped, the phone was taped down and so was the mouse. As I worked through my morning I discovered that my top drawer of my desk was taped shut and my calculator tape was also taped in such a way as to keep everything printing on the same line. Then I was printing documents for a client---on multi-colored paper (pink, yellow, and orange)! I'm pretty sure that was everything, but I'll likely find more as the day goes on. This same scene played out in two other co-worker's offices as well probably because we were all out yesterday afternoon either for a meeting or illness. The culprit? Our wonderful boss!!!
In retaliation, we have taken all the shredded paper from our three offices and strewn it all over her office, including her plants. We bought 30 pink and green balloons which are all over her ceiling. We Saran Wrapped her car and hid Vaseline under the driver door handle.
I can't wait to see her reaction!
....keep you posted!

Bet you didn't know.....

2009-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Audrey at Barking Mad,http://abritandabit.typepad.com/, I present to you my post "Bet you didn't know" for her Twilight giveaway!!!! Thank you Audrey!

Bet you didn't know........
1. I lie about my height, I say I'm 5'2" but I'm probably only 5'.
2. Even though I work in a job that requires alot of human contact and everyone thinks I'm very outgoing, I'm secretly extremely shy.
3. I love to sing but I cannot sing in front of people without getting tremble-y all over and sounding horrible. This is not the case if I'm singing for my children or if I am playing a character in a musical - for some reason, I'm fine singing in front of an audience if I am in character, because, after all, it's not really me.
4. I'm a closet Trekkie! On a trip to Las Vegas my brothers - Jimmy and Chris, and Jimmy's fiance' and I went to the Hilton for the Star Trek Experience. My brothers and I were totally going ga-ga over Dr. McCoy's medical kit when Jimmy's fiance' said, "Man, you all are geeks!"
5. I once played 9-ball with Dr. Cue and almost won.
6. I have a Mickey Mouse diploma, seriously. I have a Mouster's Degree in Business Applications majoring in Theme Park Management from Disney University. I also have a monorail co-pilot's license. I have also ridden the Tower of Terror 36 times!
7. I have hiked to the top of the highest peak in Texas, took a $99 cruise to the Bahamas with only $30 in my pocket, performed well enough to be asked to go to New York to train as an actress, went swimming with sharks, been an extra in a movie, and I love to scare my mother by walking or shopping alone at night.
8. I do not correct anyone who says I look great for having four children. (Not all these children are from this body. But I do enjoy the ego boost)
9. Contrary to what she may believe, I do not hate The Big B, I pity her. I do not condone what she has done to me, Daddy or the children.
10. I do, however, find great comfort in knowing she hates me because I am living a great life. Which I'm sure is prideful, but which I am not doing to spite her, only to improve the lives of Daddy and his children. This is the lesson I teach my children - living well is the only revenge you need and the only proof that rumors are not true.

My kids love me.....Really.

2009-03-19T09:33:00.001-07:00

B-boy woke this morning at exactly midnight to throw-up all over my bedsheets. Daddy jumped up quickly, turned on the light, grabbed B-boy and cleaned him up. I started to gather up the sheets to be washed. B-boy came back in the room, took one look at the bed and said, "G'night mama, I'm going to my bed."

Try not to PAAAAANNNNICCCC!!!!

2009-03-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because of my job, my office helps parents who are working or going to school with daycare costs. I'm seeing a lot more clients and several who are losing their jobs. For some reason I suddenly started panicking and decided that now was the time to put away some cash. I have a savings account, but I really just had this urgent need to start stuffing a coffee tin just like a lot of our grandmas did back in the day. Daddy and I have been paying off all our small debts with our tax return leaving us with less payments and we're using that money to pay off the bigger things. So far we've cut over $400 per month in payments. One of the places I paid off was practically begging me not to pay off my account and just use the money to earn interest in my savings account. I explained to that person that I was a banker for 12 years and I already know that right now I would actually save more money NOT paying interest than I would earn by putting the money in a savings account. I paid off another loan two days later. The second place called me not even 24 hours later to tell me that I would qualify for 4 times the amount I borrowed the first time if I came back in to re-open my account. I declined nicely. That afternoon, the first place called me to double my original loan (which was already 4 times my loan at the second place, so you can see this was a significant amount). Again I declined and I let them know that it was very nice of them to offer and I was glad to know that should I need to, I could again return to borrow from their company.
The other night I had a horrible dream: the top of the alter at the wedding was tipping over so they stopped everything till the fixed it, I'd forgotten to find the rings as had to go to Wal-Mart to buy replacements, the customer service was horrible, a gallon of milk was $12!!!! That last thought actually woke me up in terror! At least my priorities are straight, food first wedding last. I can only say that while I hope this economic crisis doesn't get worse, I'm a realist and I'm not taking chances. Whatever I can spare is going in that coffee tin.

Junk in her trunk?

2009-03-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

My sweet BB, who never gets in any trouble at school, has gotten into trouble twice in two weeks. Usually if the school calls about Lena or Josie my immediate response to the caller is, "What did she do now?" If they call about BB it's, "Is she ok?" because I only get called for her if she is sick or hurt. Apparently those days of mommy innocence are over. I got a call from her teacher last week because she was losing lunch recess for three days. Apparently, there was a boy she was playing tag with who said to her as she ran by, "You've got alot of junk in your trunk!" Um, excuse me, but that's my (nine-year-old skinny as a toothpick) baby you're talking about. BB's response was to try to get this boy to shut up by shoving a stick into his mouth but first she pinned him to the ground. You have no idea how hard it was not to bust up laughing when she told me this. Or perhaps you do as everyone including Daddy, Brandi and Grandpa laughed their asses off! It seems only the teacher and Grandma find this to be a very serious matter. Grandpa even stated, "My baby girl doesn't take sh*t from anyone!" The second time she was under her desk during a lesson drawing on the floor with a red crayon. The teacher made her stay in for recess to clean it up and sent a letter home to be signed by a parent. I had no idea about it until the teacher called me at work to inform me that BB had forged my signature. I told the teacher (and I really did say this), "If I tell her Grandma this she'll laugh at me and tell me I got a child just like me." Yes, I will admit it! In fifth grade I forged my mother's name on a letter home about not doing my homework - in fact, I did it several times but only got caught when I tried too late in the middle of the night to sign it and it didn't come out as well at the others. At least I was very close to my mother's signature and spelled her name correctly. BB signed my name in just barely learned it cursive and spelled Cristnie. So we had a parent-teacher-student conference the next morning and determined that she was being teased by another girl relentlessly and harshly and BB was trying to find anyway to escape which led to her being under her desk drawing and forging my name to avoid losing recess to be with other children. The solution: BB will immediately tell a teacher whenever this girl teases her and start visiting the school counselor, her teacher will have her tested for the gifted program because she is very intelligent, the counselor will have a talk with the other girl and her parents, I will continue to be the supportive mom. Conclusion: pin down a boy + commit forgery = gifted program.

Aaaaacccckkkk!!! I'm getting MARRIED!!!

2009-03-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

I need some serious help here! I'm getting married. As in SOON! AS SOON AS JUNE 13TH! Why the sudden need to get married? Because I have to. And no, I'm not pregnant (at least I don't think so), besides I've already got one kiddo from this man and gained two more in the process so pregnancy is not the pushing (pun) point here. I need to get married in a hurry because I need my Dad to be there. My dad's health is not the greatest anymore. My superman who used to hang 75% out of a high speed helicopter with a giant gun in his hands is in so much pain that he is using a cane to walk. My hero who tried his darndest to save lives while he was in the Air Force is getting older. But to me 54 isn't old. Not nearly old enough. There is a chance that he might need surgery on his spine for what they think is a tumor (at least that's what they think they saw on the MRI), there is a chance he won't survive. So, Daddy and I are pushing up the wedding to June 13th come hell or high water because I want my Dad to be there. There is no point in waiting until Halloween if my Dad won't be there. So we are making June 13th our own personal Halloween.
***OK, so maybe the fates have it that I won't be married on this day because everywhere I've looked is either booked or not to my liking (yes, I'm still picky). But I think I've found the perfect place and depending on how things work out with them, I may give them some kuddos her on my blog, stay tuned. More info to come.

Can I inspire you?

2009-02-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

I happened upon a link to a new site called "Violence UnSilenced". I am hoping that I can inspire however few readers I have to click on one of the links on my blog and visit this site. I am in complete awe at how this tragedy has been pulled out of the closet to get the awareness it needs. Too many of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends and lovers have been victims of domestic violence. Domestic violence knows no boundaries: male/female, gay/straight, rich/poor/, old/young, religious/agnostic/atheist. It's victims are often bombarded with shame and guilt and anxiety. I encourage you to visit the site and learn what you can to recognize the signs that one of your friends might be a victim, because I know personally how hard a victim tries to hide the truth. Most of my readers (if I do have any) do not know my past and those that do, do not know the details. "Violence UnSilenced" has inspired me to open my closet and release my past, because truly, it's part of who I am. I am a better mother because of it, but nobody should ever have to live as my daughter, BB and I did.

A cracked rib. Skinned knees. A broken couch. A scar from where a hanger went through the back of my thigh. A wrist that still sometime hurts from a torn tendon. The memory of a miscarriage from the second rape. Memories that still surface from time to time. I try to keep the same doctors but this year I moved and I have to explain the medical history all over again. My brain is now 34 and, unfortunately, can only remember the list of injuries by remembering how they happened only to have that still lingering question of WHY? It doesn't help that our daughter BB is that man's child and he actually made the effort to see her the Christmas before last and she was receptive to the idea. He's been remarried almost since I divorced him because he got a Honduras teenager pregnant while we were still married and the Army he works for were planning to ream his ass if he didn't do something. That was six years ago, his mother says he's a great dad to that kid, sad he couldn't do it for us.

A cracked rib - week after Thanksgiving 2000. I was sitting on his lap on our couch in the living room of our apartment kissing him under his chin. My affection earned me a shove off his lap and a swift kick in the ribs, no words. This was late in my relationship with him and the only time I ever hit back. He left me there and went to bed. When I could breathe again, I got up and went to our bedroom, climbed onto the bed standing over him with one leg on either side of his body. With all the strength I could muster, I balled up my fist and punched him in the back of the ribs as hard as I could. Before I could blink, I was under him on the bed with my chin pressed into my throat, unable to breathe. He said, "Now we're even," and went to sleep. I could only think, "you have no idea how uneven we are."

Skinned knees - April 1999. We were driving back from his mother's house, I think it was Spring break from college, heading back to my parent's house. There was an argument about something and I asked him to let me out of the car at the mall. Instead, he undid my seat belt, pulled over, opened the door and pushed me out with the car still moving. I was three months pregnant with BB. I still married him in June.

Broken couch - sometime in 2000. Living in Ft. Polk, Louisiana, he had developed an addiction to video games. He would sit at the computer all day, I had to serve him lunch at the desk, never a word to me, never played with BB. I timed him once, 16 hours! The only way to get him off the computer was to sneak through the other side of the kitchen and unplug the phone cable, run quietly back to where I had been while he cussed that the server disconnected. After two or three times, he'd get off the computer and talk to me or play with BB. One time, I got caught. My punishment was several punches to the top of my head (because my hair would cover the bruises) while he had me pinned to the couch. When I tried to get up from the couch, he threw me down on it so hard that I went through it. One of the boards had broken as had one of the long steel springs.

The Hanger - my ex was very possessive. I was timed whenever I went to the store or to do laundry at the laundromat and I was never allowed to take the baby with me because then he knew I would always come back. If I was ever late, I was grilled with questions about who I saw, what did I say? He would pick out my clothes for going to the store: a drab green dress that went to my ankles. It had at one time been pretty but age and washing had made it a "house dress" only. If I was wearing make-up when he came home, he insisted on knowing why. I would tell him I was trying to look pretty for him but he would grab one of his swords and poke into each and every closet in the house looking for whomever I was hiding. One time I told him how silly he was being which got me pushed into my closet. There was a hanger on the floor between the shoes. I fell on it and the hanger became embedded in the back of my thigh about 1 1/2 inches. To this day, I hate seeing hangers on the floor.
To be continued....

What's My Age Again?

2009-02-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

You've heard that song "What's My Age Again?" I seem to have it running through my head because I'm getting confused. Perhaps it's old age or perhaps it's cause I'm so young. Nobody, it seems, can agree. Within this past month, I have heard the following comments:

Four kids!?! You don't look old enough to have four kids! (asked by a fireman at least ten years younger than me with two kids of his own)

I'll need to see your ID (to purchase wine).

Oh, but you're just a kid (this person is only 8 years older than me).

You know who Bruce Springsteen is? He was hot when we were in high school, how could you know who he is? (This person is only three years older than me, so I was in Junior High)

Mom, where were you when Abraham Lincoln was killed? Were you there when Abraham Lincoln was killed? (Asked by my 11 year old)

Ouch! How that last one hurt. I've been lucky to inherit my mother's youthful genes but I do have a few silver hairs courtesy of my dad's. I have been carded at 23 for being with a friend who was buying a lighter, let me repeat: A LIGHTER! He wasn't even buying cigarettes, just a lighter. I was carded at 26 when my (then 20 year old now ex-)husband took me to a rated R movie for our 1st anniversary. And even last fall, when I took said 11 year old to her first middle school dance, the chaperon lady asked the both of us if our mother knew she had to pick us up by 10 o'clock. She was quite surprised when I told her, "I'm the mom and yes, I'll be here to pick her up." She apologized (I actually thanked her for the error) and said I looked like a student. Even Daddy's ex-wife has mistaken my age. She was going around town telling people he left her for a younger woman because I was pregnant! Daddy's ex-wife is three years younger than me. And no, he didn't leave her for me, he left her because she was always passed-out and the last straw was finding Josie covered in her own feces while The Big B was passed-out with earplugs in and the phone off, she couldn't even hear Josie crying. Daddy and I didn't start dating until after the divorce was signed but you can bet I was loving on him as it had been quite a long time for this here mommy and BOB wasn't cutting it anymore. Hence, the B-Boy's rapid conception.
So how old am I? I guess it's a matter of perspective. To my children I am old, our youngest daughter thinks I'm twelve, which to her I'm sure is old. It is twice her age after all. To other adults, I'm still a (pick one) girl, kid, youngster. In actuality, I am turning 35 this year. So how about we take 12 and 35 and average them: I'll be 23 1/2 again! Let's go buy a lighter!!!

The Coupon

2009-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

I will admit to everyone that I have the best mom ever. She is the strongest woman I know and I admire her more than she will ever know or believe. She has impeccable style even if all she's doing is running outside to pull some weeds. But most of all, she gives the best mom advice.
Last night, my family was out at Target to buy some shoes for our eldest daughter who was going to her first Valentine's dance to meet up with a boy. On one of the end caps, were neat rows of Lighting McQueen galoshes. B-Boy fell instantly in love! B-Boy wants everything that could be Cars themed. He has the toddler bed, table and chairs, toy shelves, pinata, wall stickers, PJ's, underwear, socks, pants, shirts, toothbrush and toothpaste, beanie, and toys. Naturally, he WANTED those "wain boots." Payday wasn't until today and our budget last night only covered Lena's shoes and what money she needed to get into the dance and snacks. But B-Boy doesn't understand the concept of "waiting until payday," so his happiness at finding Lighting McQueen galoshes turned into a full-scale on the floor crying temper tantrum and even becoming the weepy-eyed little angel pleading "but I've been good." Luckily, and as if by telepathy, my mom called. Naturally she heard her little grandson crying and I explained what was happening. Without skipping a beat, my mom said "Write him a coupon to get his shoes tomorrow." Just like that, as if it were the natural way to do things. Of course, to my mom, it was the natural thing to do, "That's what I used to do with you," she said. I relayed the information to Daddy who promptly took out a business card and wrote out the following:
*COUPON*

To B-Boy, Good for one pair of Cars boots from Target

*COUPON*
He handed it to B-Boy and told him what it was and what it meant. Instantly, the tears and wailing ended and were replaced by a cheerful smiling little boy who took such pride in his "coupon" that he even showed the cashier on the way out who reminded him to hang on to his coupon and she'd see him tomorrow. Daddy and I just had to call Grandma back once we got home to thank her, thank her, and thank her some more.
Isn't my mom just AWESOME.

A complement!

2009-02-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm doing. Yesterday, I got a phone call from a client who was just laid off from her job. She said she was telling her mom she was so glad she has me as a caseworker because I would help her out, make her feel better about herself, and she saw me as inspiration to go back to school.
WOW
Apparently, sharing a bit of my single-mom-doing-the-best-she-can-going-back-to-school-and-succeeding self was inspiring enough that when she was laid off from work last weekend, her first thought was if Christine can do it, so can I. It had been my dream my whole life to help people. I thought I wanted to be a teacher and that's what I was going to college for, but in the past few years, I've slipped into this role of helping those seriously less fortunate than myself. It has really changed the way I look at my contribution to the human race. Yes, we all need teachers and I'm sure I would've made a good one. But perhaps my place is to help people make better lives for their families. After we all leave school, either through graduation or other means, who do we have helping us to give our lives direction? If we're lucky, we have parents like my own who poked, prodded, nudged and yes, even screamed us in the right direction. But what about everyone else? The world is full of those who are too scared to ask for help and those too scared to offer help that may not be wanted. I decided long ago to stop being scared and to at least show people by example what is possible and offer assistance along the way. A friend/co-worker of mine who retired last year was wonderful at what she did to help people. If a young man on public assistance came in to our office because he just lost his job and his wife was expecting their fifth child, she was not afraid to (very grandmotherly) ask him if he didn't understand where babies came from! She would tell a client to their face that she knew they were lying about why they didn't look for a job because their mother had already "died" three time this year! And she did these things in such a way that people never got mad or upset, they just sheepishly smiled at her knowing they were pinched and either went out and did better or didn't but at least didn't lie about it anymore. She didn't sugar-coat reality because she believed that people wouldn't take responsibility for themselves if all we ever did was coddle them because we didn't want to get in trouble with the higher-ups, and how were we supposed to help them become self-sufficient if they didn't start taking responsibility for their own lives and families. While I'm not quite brave enough to tell people I know they are lying, I apparently am helping people turn their lives around in my own way by not being afraid to let them know me. I truly do feel like I'm on the right track.

I NEED BAIL MONEY!!!

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

HELP! I NEED BAIL MONEY!

I have been charged with Aiding and Abetting MDA with the intent of helping area residents with Muscular Dystrophy.

I will be locked-up on February 12th, 2009 at 12:00 pm at the International UFO Museum, and yes, you may feel free to come take my mug-shot.

Bail has been set at $1600.00 and I desperately need every- and any- ones help. This is my first year of participation in the lock-up and I want to do my very best for Jerry's Kids, but I can't do it alone. Every dollar counts and no amount is too large or too small. Contributions can be made by check, cash, or credit card and also on my personal homepage with the secure MDA website: https://www.joinmda.org/2009roswelllu/christibearb

Our contribution to this great cause is also tax deductible and I can send you a receipt.

Thank you for your consideration.

Of Mice and Irony

2009-01-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

We were visiting Daddy's sister and her family in Aztec, NM for the weekend. Being the three day weekend coinciding with Daddy's birthday, that was my gift to him- to get him to his sister's house come hell or high water. Luckily we ran into neither hell nor high water. Instead we ran into our old friend Irony.

We have a 26 year old niece who owns a snake named Vlad. Vlad, is seems, was in need of food. Food in the form of a live mouse. Which reminded me of a story:

When I was in my twenties, I had my own pet mouse named Sning. She was named that because she loved to curl around my fingers just like a character in a novel by my favorite writer, Piers Anthony. The name was short for SNake rING. Eventually, she too became big enough for a live mouse as food. During one excursion for mice, I made a trip with my parents to Las Cruces as all the pet stores in my hometown were either closed or didn't have any mice of the right size. I went to the pet store where I got my mice during the school semesters and picked out three "hoppers" - mice around a week old. On the trip back home, I felt something furry crawling across my lap and SCREAMED! All three mice had gotten out of the box and were somewhere in my mother's car. In the end, we only found two. One died somewhere in the upholstery and smelled up the car for months and then every time it got really New Mexico hot.

I told this story to Daddy's sister and her daughter because it was funny. Little did I know history was about to repeat itself. I took my niece for a day out, just us girls. Our first stop was to pick up a mouse for Vlad. We'd discussed stopping by her apartment to feed him before heading back out to town since I had left my purse and we had to go back to her mom's house anyways. Well, we picked up the purse....and went to the mall, completely forgetting the mouse. Ate some lunch, which we needed to get our brains working (we should've done first), did a little shopping and headed out of the mall. First thing my niece says as we bask in the warm New Mexico winter weather is: "We still have the mouse in the car!!!" Both of us hurried to the car and she looked at the box. Her heart did a little leap as she saw the box was still in one piece until she lifted it up and it was a little too light. Turning to the other side of the box, she discover a small hole and no mouse. We searched the car, while I laughed the entire time and commented that at least the mouse wouldn't starve because of all the pretzels, Goldfish, etc. my kids have all over the floor. No luck. I sheepishly called Daddy and asked him if he remembered the mouse/car story - yes, he did. "Well, honey. I did it again" I could totally hear his sister laughing in the background while he told me to come home and we would find it. We had to go back to the pet store for another mouse in case we didn't find the one in the car and Vlad couldn't go hungry. We even discussed how we would explain to the clerk why we were back for another mouse. ("We got home and started the sacrifice but it didn't work. Come to find out that mouse wasn't even a virgin." We laughed at that but then decided to go with the truth because we didn't want to scare folks) We got another mouse, they offered to sell us a very small carrying case at $14.00 but I told the clerk I'd just have my niece recycle a spaghetti sauce jar. Then we girls decided we needed to catch the mouse so we headed to Wal-Mart and got a couple of humane traps because I wasn't going to have that thing die in my car. Got to the house and set the traps with peanut butter, might as well give the thing salmonella, too. The next morning, success! One slightly frozen but still alive mouse was in one of the traps ready to thaw out and be fed to Vlad.
One of Daddy's co-worker laughed that we'd gotten humane traps to keep the mouse alive just so we could escort it to it's death at the jaws of Vlad. Mice and Irony, yep, that just how we roll!

The nice way of saying, "You're an idiot!"

2009-01-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Part of my mild insanity (work with me people, m-i-l-d, and don't tell me any different), is dealing with my soon-to-be-hubby's ex wife, The Big B. This the the woman who is the biological mother of two of my little girls, Lena and Josie. Josie is the one who's genes come from The Big B and Daddy, Lena has genes from The Big B and ?. But their hearts are beating happily in my home and that's really all I care about, they are happy and safe with us in my home. The only thing is that I'm a very nice person by nature, my nickname when I worked at Walt DisneyWorld was "smiley", and because of that "niceness" I try my best to get their mother to be a part of their lives. As a mom, I just can't understand how she can give her kids away at the drop of a hat to whomever will take them as she has done several times. Perhaps understand is the wrong word, I am intelligent enough to understand that she does it, I guess I can't comprehend why a mother who claims she loves her children and wants them back would do so little to make that a reality. Between early February and November 12th of last year she didn't even bother to see the children even when she knew we were moving out of town. OK, so on to the point. I understand that she is not going to win any mother of the year awards, and I can give her credit for trying, but I'm practically tearing out my hair trying to comprehend. The Big B gave Lena a book and let her buy another one during their visit on the 10th. The one Lena bought is called something like "Circling Three Time and Laying Down". I didn't think much of it at first because it has a picture of a dog on it and I figured it was about a dog. Reading to me is a wonderful way to pass the time and I love it. So I sat on the couch two days ago and Lena's book was on the table so I picked it up and read the cover. It's about a twice divorced woman's dog's views on life, love, and sex. I'm not one to approve of censorship, but I do know about what's considered age-appropriate, and this was not age-appropriate for my 11 year old. Or at least, not without mommy reading it first to see just how much sex was in the book (I'll give everyone an update later). I very nicely explained to Lena why I was temporarily taking the book away until I could absorb it's content and determine if it was age-appropriate. She said she'd just "skip the sex parts". I trust my daughter, but I must remember she's on the verge of teenage-hood and "skipping the sex parts" just sounds like too much temptation mixed with too much curiosity. So she tells me, "My mother also gave me another book that I can read instead." I asked her what book was it? "Something about a Geisha." I WANTED TO SCREAM!!! But I calmly said, "Memoirs of a Geisha?" She went to her room to get the book, and upon her bouncy return down the hall, I immediately recognized the cover of the latest printing (the movie poster) of Memoirs of a Geisha. Again, I WANTED TO SCREAM, but knowing I can't because it is not this child fault. I wanted to scream to her mother, The Big B, that she's an idiot. I gently explained to this 11 year old young lady that while we have discussed the birds and the bees, this book was alot more explicit and not appropriate for her age. I LOVE THIS CHILD, she completely understood and proceeded to begin reading Inkheart, bearing me no grudge or a moody attitude. Rarely do I speak to her b-mom, it use to give me heartburn and make me lose my appetite, and I do not actively try to call her as it is not my job to make her be a "mom" to her kids (that's what I told her lawyer when he asked why I didn't call her to make her visit her children). Last night, she called, and as Lena was out with Daddy picking up some dinner, I answered the phone. Having had a couple of days to ruminate over the situation, I very nicely told her I wanted to discuss the book choices. I asked if she had read Memoirs of a Geisha and she hesitantly said yes (I doubt this because it is a paperback without reading creases in the spine or any give to the pages, you paperback readers know what I'm talking about). I explained to her that while I had discussed the "birds and the bees" to Lena I didn't think she was old enough yet for books talking about selling virginity to the highest bidder or selling sex in general. I recommended that she read the covers of the books she was either buying for or letting Lena buy for their appropriateness for an 11-year old. Try the tween section or give me a call. (I did not call her an idiot and though I'm sure she didn't pick up that I thought she was an idiot, I at least felt better that I had "called" her an idiot in my own way) She said she would and the rest of the call went nicely and I handed the phone over to Josie. When Lena came home she was able to talk to her mother who proceeded to tell her that she couldn't have read the books anyways because it was too complicated. Lena nearly reads at an 11th grade level, reads books that I read in High School Literature, and I've even given her some of my college literature books to read as well (content approved). Lena's feelings were hurt that her mother thought she was unable to read the books because of intellect. I smoothed the ruffled feathers of my little bird and explained that her mother couldn't realize that this little bird could already fly because she'd tucked her head under her wing to avoid dealing with her baby birds. The metaphor amused her and she happily read away at Inkheart.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

2009-01-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

After 3 1/2 years of labor, we are finally proud to announce that we officially have a new "baby" girl! As of 12:03, Wednesday, December 31st, weighing 105lbs and aged 11 1/2 years, Arlaena (Lena) is now considered to be our daughter. As his last case before retiring, our judge made it a point to get it finished so that our daughter could finally have some stability in her life.
Finishing this case has made me realize something deeply profound. I never needed the court to give me vindication. Sure, hearing that Daddy had been awarded Kinship Guardianship and the court saw me a a fully operating step-mother (even without a marriage license), was great, but it didn't really change anything I already knew in my heart. I'm this little girl's mommy, she calls me her mommy, I act like her mommy and we never use "step". But I've been thinking, even if we hadn't "won", I'd still be this little girl's mommy regardless and she'd be my daughter. Becoming a mommy to her began nearly four years ago and truely touched my heart the first time she looked up as me, the raccoon costume I'd hand-sewed for her in her arms, and told me, "I love you mommy." My heart grew that day and I was her mommy.
I thought having a court would change everything, but all it did was make me realize that I didn't need anyone to tell me I was this little girls mommy. My world was already changed.

I'm dreaming of a New Mexico Christmas

2008-12-24T09:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas in New Mexico is something I believe everyone should experience at least once. Some areas get snow and there's a chill in the air, but it's enjoyable and you can get through it pretty well. I'm sure people in Chicago might appreciate at New Mexico winter. Tonight, in Tularosa, is the annual luminaria display, which family tradition dictates as the night we all wear our coats and Santa hats and walk around the village to view the beautiful displays of luminarias on historical homes and the church. The luminaria glow looks like it could warm your bones just from the light of a single candle. Traditional foods will be cooked, turkey and ham, pies and cakes. But in New Mexico we'll also have menudo and tamales and maybe some green chile stew. Most years it is pretty sunny outside and you can let the children play with their new toys, or in some cases just the boxes. Sometimes it snows even in the southern part of the state, a couple of years have been a white Christmas. Because the sense of family spreads so far in New Mexico to include friends and neighbors, we'll be making a couple of local trips to visit with each. This is the only state I've every lived in where people wave at you when you pass down the street just because, even if they don't know you. The sun will set beyond majestic purple mountains with pink and orange glowing clouds reflecting the last rays of sunlight. The fireplace might be lit with bits of wrapping paper used as kindlin. The children will "ooh" and "ahh" all the different colors the paper makes. We'll tuck in sleepy, smiling children who, though tired, will insist they aren't really that sleepy. Then the adults will play cards, drink cider, and head to bed satified in belly and heart at the day's adventures. I think no matter where I've ever lived or ever may live, my parent's home and New Mexico will always be my home for Christmas.

Do I write it, or don't I?

2008-12-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

That's a question that's been plagueing me today. Actually for a few days. I am generally a very upbeat person. But I would never lie and say I have a perfectly sun-shiney life, no one does. I'm just not one to dwell on bad things, my glass is always half-full. My blog is read by few and yet it is, in my opinion, very exposing. That is my own creation and what I wanted a blog for - a place to tell what I couldn't say in person, to admit what I can't admit out-loud, and a forum for my own sometime silly views of the world.
After a few days thought, I believe I can write it: I am tired, depleted, drained and every other likewise word you can find in your everyday thesaurus. But I am also scared and it is the first time I've ever really admited it. I am tired because after another nearly full day of court to keep custody of our Lena, we have to try again to finish on the 31st. And no, this isn't what I'm scared of. We have an excellent case - child has lived with us for over three years, wants to stay with us, is doing better with us (gifted program, band, dance, and attends/participates in church) then she ever did with her mother. Her mother has only attempted and sucessfully completed three visits with her children this entire year. But I'm dreading more 200+ mile round trips to listen to a woman who clearly isn't willing to actually do anything to spend more time with her children except talk about it and shows us her insane side by telling the court that we threatened to kill her/bury her alive so she couldn't be with her children. (And yes, I did about laugh at that but sucessfully covered it with a cough) Our only worries are that our judge retires at the end of the year and our lawyer need to end her time with us because she's been elected district attorney, so we need to hurry to finish fast.
I'm scared because my father's MRI came back with a tumor on his spine. I had an uncle die from spinal cancer. Daddy and I have been having a hard time, very stressed out (obvious reason referenced above) and Daddy hadn't exactly been very honest with me over the last few months leading to my dad being upset with him, so tack more stress on me because here comes more time with the two of them together----the holidays. Also, Daddy hadn't been very understanding about certain cultural traditions (namely endearing terms) and was upset with my dad. He also wasn't listening to me or being his usual open-minded self, which to be honest, was pissing me off. He didn't understand how serious my dad's condition was when I explained it last month and didn't want to spend any more time at my parent's house than was absolutely necessary. When the MRI came back, I put my foot down and declared what days we were going to my parent's house and that there was no way around it. Which then led to the horrible aftermath of two parents not even wanting to be in the same car together, neither one wanting to budge. My husband-to-be has already lost both his parents, dad when he was ten, mom when he was 31, both his parents were in their 70s or 80s. I finally got the brick wall of stubborness in him to fall when I told him, "I'm not going to get 70 year old parents!" My parents are only in their 50s. Mom is told it's lupus, or not; rhumetoid arthritis, or not; neurological disorder, or not - no test is ever conclusive - one marker is possitive the other is negative, everything is a maybe but she's in more pain than she will ever let anyone know and every year she gets worse. And now dad. He's been in pain for so long with VA doctors telling him it's from injuries he sustained doing rescue mission in Special Forces. He's tried over and over to tell them it's something more and the pain is unbearable, but it has fallen on stubborn buracratic ears only seeing the dollar signs it's going to cost them to help another veteran's body and mind heal from what his country needed him to do. I'm scared that I won't have my parents much longer. It seems like we only just got past the point from when they only saw me as their child. I finally have an respectful adult relationship with my parents and can talk with them. But it's only been a few years. I think Daddy finally gets it, "I'm not going to get 70 year old parents." A camper has been rented, I told Daddy he could call it my Christmas gift, to spend a few days at my parent's home and give two of the most important men in my life their own "cave" to retreat into if they need it. But surprisingly, to both me and Daddy, my dad was in great spirits and Daddy enjoyed his company and my dad enjoyed him. If it is my last Christmas with my dad, I want it to be wonderful for him.
On a side note, our wedding may be pushed up depending on what my dad's doctors say the first week of January. We may be getting married next month!

Holidays....ahhhh!

2008-12-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays. Sure there's the family and friends gathering, all the love in the air. But my favorite thing is the food. I am a food person, it's a miracle that I don't weigh 300lbs. Then again, it's probably the running after 4 kids that makes it so I don't gain 300 lbs. (On a side note, I've actually lost over 10 lbs, hooray!!!) Seriously, I AM a food person. I love to cook (someone else does the dishes), I love to taste, I love to tweak recipes. But the holidays bring so many of my favorite foods and the opportunity to try new recipes on my unsuspecting guinea pigs, I mean - coworkers and family. Today, however, I enjoyed two of my holiday favorites: ribbon candy and shortbread cookies! I picked up the perfect peppermint ribbon candy, thin, super minty, awesome. Then my boss left a tin of those Danish Butter cookies, yum! You may think they're a cheap last resort gift for the old curmudgeon down the street, but I LOVE these cookies. They melt in your mouth like a fresh snowball but without the annoying brain freeze. Milk, cocoa, eggnog, wine, everything goes great with these cookies (I'm not sure about beer since I don't drink it, someone will have to let me know). My next food quest: TAMALES!!! My mother called me the other day with the number to Mrs. Flores (name changed to protect my tamale supply, don't want y'all ordering them all up). I am, however, tempted to try my own hand at making tamales. I learned how to roll them last year for a fundraiser, but I believe, and afterall isn't Christmas about having faith, that with the help of friends on the internet, I can find a great recipe for tamales that my family will love. Of course, I'll still order some from Mrs. Flores just in case!

Accidents that only seem to happen to me

2008-12-04T13:37:00.001-08:00

I am truely starting to believe in two things: my mother has mis-named me, and a lack of sleep will cause panic and/or laughter.
My first name, which I no longer go by except with old friends and family, means "grace." I am named after Nancy Sinatra because of her song, "These boots were made for walking" which is appropriate since that is exactly what I have done on numerous occasions most notably with The Ex. But "grace"? I believe I have stumbled on nothing, tripped over my own feet, and walked right into too many posts to be considered as having grace. Then again, it may be the fact that I continue with a smile, somewhat turn the other cheek, maintain a ladylike presence during adverse situations type of meaning of grace. I hope that's the case. Either way, I'm learning to laugh at myself, for instance.
After a long trip to my parents' hometown to visit an ailing grandmother who was thought to have broken her hip, my return was even longer. We woke at 4am on Monday and I did not drive up to my driveway until 5:15 am on Tuesday! Then slept for an hour and woke to get ready for work at 8am. By the time I picked up B-Boy from daycare and took him to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries, I was a zombie. B-boy had to "potty" so I took him to the restrooms in the front of the store, which I have never done since we moved here. As most people know, one Wal-Mart is pretty much like another. The one back in my hometown and this one in Roswell are nearly exact opposites, where the groceries are in one (the left side) it's the opposite in the other (right side). But I guess I never realized just how far the opposites went. As I walked into the restroom, hurrying as B-boy has only recently potty-trained, I noticed a pair of rather large, dumpy and dirty looking tennis shoes at the bottom of one of the stalls. I figured they belonged to some young woman who was dressed in the "I really don't care what I look like so I wear men's clothing and combat sneakers" thing. I took Brandon into the next stall, carried on a toddler conversation, flushed and left the stall heading for the sinks to wash our hands. And then......I noticed the very unusual sinks and realized they were urinals and we were in the MENS ROOM!!! I rushed out of there in a hurry telling B-boy we'd just use mommy's germ-ex gel.
Moral: I will make myself get more sleep and if I can't be graceful on my feet, I'll be graceful of character.

2008-11-24T09:17:00.001-08:00

MOVE OVER!

2008-11-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

I recently traveled to my parent's hometown of Victoria, Texas to visit my grandmother who had broken her hip. It was my desire to introduce her to three of the great-grandchildren she had yet to meet while she was still capable of visiting with them.
During my return to New Mexico, I was pulled over by one of Hudspeth County's finest sheriffs. And seriously, I am not being sarcastic here, I am truely grateful for this officer pulling me over. My infraction? "Failure to vacate lane or slow down." I was informed by the officer that there is a law in Texas (New Mexico and Oklahoma, that he knew) that says, "whenever there is an emergency vehicle pulled over on the side of the road, you must vacate the adjacent lane (ie. move to the farthest left lane) or if you cannot vacate the lane, you must slow the vehicle to no less than 20mph less than the posted speed limit." My mother and I were bewildered, neither of us had ever heard of this law, not surprising since we don't live in Texas, but even more surprised that there might be one on the books in NM that we didn't know about. There I was facing my first ticket for a law I didn't know about. I was informed that another Hudspeth sheriff had been hit by a vehicle failing to vacate and would no longer have the used of his legs! The officer asked me where I was going, where I was coming from and why had I been in Victoria, TX? When he returned from his vehicle, he announced that he was giving me a warning (my perfect **knock on wood** diving record in still standing) and that he had just lost his grandmother due to a broken hip.
So my mission: to inform as many people as possible of this law and what other states it involves. Not so that you can avoid a ticket, although that is a perk. But so that we can all better protect our officers and emergency personal who are already in enough danger as it is.
I found this link: http://www.respondersafety.com/Downloads/MoveOver/State_Move-Over_Law_Chart_July_2008.pdf which has a chart of all the states that currently have a "MOVE OVER" law on the books, some also include tow truck drivers. It also has links for each state so you can read the specifics of your state's law.
My co-workers (all state employees) had never heard of this law, so they are passing it on too.
Hopefully by being better informed drivers, we can all do our part to protect the lives of all our emergency personal including that sheriff in Hudspeth county, Texas. I'll be sending him a thank you note.

A guy once told me....

2008-11-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

"Life will come full circle. We shall meet again." This is also written in my my high school yearbook from my junior year. The young man who wrote this was John Ripici (not sure of spelling) and I still find it very profound and rather Zen in its nature, which is not surprising as this young man was a Buddist.
While I have yet to re-meet John since he graduated, I have been blessed with the re-introduction of many people from my past.

Brandi - my best friend. While I have a few best friends, each is unique in their own way, our personal history, and their availability for coffee, chats, and crisis. History - Brandi has known me since I was 12 years old and in 7th grade. Brandi was older than me, had a twin brother who used to tease me, but pretty much stuck up for me at every turn. We used to ride the same school bus from our little hamlet of Boles Acres and our moms would take turns checking on us to make sure our skirts weren't too short or that we hadn't snuck make-up from the house to put on at school. We lost track of each other shortly after she graduated in 1991. Found - I enrolled Josie in HeadStart in 2006 and she made her first best friend "M". I wasn't able to attend the first few parent meetings but volunteered to be president after the original president failed to show up to meetings. It was then that I meet M's parents - my old friend Brandi. And it so happened that she lived at her parents' old house just down the street from where we were living! Visits at home flourished and the coffee rained down from the heavens in buckets! Seriously, I had to replace the first coffee maker. She has been here for me for everything from going to my Halloween party to hugs when I've gotten in a very heated discussion with Daddy. I am truely happy that life has brought her back to me.

My Ex - ooooh, this one is scary. My Ex was my first for alot of personal things (I'm sure you understand). History - I met My Ex at college when I was 24, we had both volunteered for hall council to represent our dorm wing and I later went on to become dorm president. As this was during the Clinton years, we were teased about him being my intern. We got engaged, lost our first baby, got pregnant with our second baby, married and then he joined the Army without even discussing it with me and he was gone during the rest of the pregnancy until BB was four months old. We moved to his first duty station and he became abusive so I left with BB, filed for divorce and didn't see him again until 2007 (though I wouldn't call this re-meeting). Found - My Ex actually remembered our daughter's birthday, without reminding from his mother, and e-mailed her through my account. I was impressed and decided to tell him so because I've been hoping he'd mature (i.e. get his head out of his ass) and start being the father he claimed to be, and yes, I was very nice about it. He replied about how he was sorry about what happened, glad that I was proud of him, and happy that he had finally gotten his head out of his ass and grown up, even if it did take eight years. I was flabbergasted! A short series of e-mails have followed and though I'd like to think that at least I can be friends with My Ex and perhaps forgive a little easier, I will tread cautiously upon this new terrain.

Mr. M - a new re-introduction to life and almost scarry with the timing of said event. History - Mr. M was a friend of mine in high school and someone I had a crush on for several years, though I never said anything. Mr. M sat in front of me in US History class, which was also homeroom, so we were stuck there for more than the usualy class hour. I used to give Mr. M back massages, this shy-girl's way of flirting, and together with other bored members of this class, would light gunpowder (from a classmate in the "building trades" class supply of nail gun caps) and drive our teacher crazy with antics like supergluing chalk to the chalkboard, flipping every other book on the shelf upside-down or backwards, or pouring "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" slime on his desk. *Yes, sweet little ol' me has done a few things I could lie and say I was not proud of, but let's be truthful, it was and still is pretty hillarious! And no, I will not be telling the kids* Once again, graduation separated me from this friend. Found - this one surprisingly found me. MySpace can work wonders in locating people you thought were gone forever, even when you aren't looking. I am enjoying this re-introduction.

Speaking of MySpace, I have a few honorable mentions. Mr. S - was my second boyfriend ever and took me to my first high school dance, Homecomming, our sophomore year. Lost track of him when he moved over the summer but he was found on MySpace just as crazy as ever. Rik - was the director of a play I had the lead in and we had a fast love-affair over the course of two weeks which we tried to make last over long-distance, marriage and children were even discussed. But alas, I began college and became very busy and was unable to devote as much time to letter writing as he deemed was necessary and the affair fizzled nearly as quickly as it began. We reconnected just as I was preparing to leave my husband with a letter he wrote to my mother's address asking about me, but he was lost again when he changed jobs. He is again found via MySpace and is happily married and continuing his theatre career.

I hope this trend of re-introduction continues as my always curious mind wonders what happened to those I knew. Did Matthew ever forgive me for breaking his heart? (And there are two broken-hearted Matthews, sorry) And for that matter did Mike (a couple of those too)? And what ever happened to my flamboyant friend Mikey? Nathan? Chad? And I still miss Cameron (way long story there!) and yes I still have that book you gave me. In fact, it still smelled like you for many years. (Yes, I smelled the book, okay!) I'm just a weirdo full of nostalgia.

I'd been hoping this would work.

2008-11-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

It feels like finding a long lost friend or breathing after holding your breath for a long time. I haven't had the internet at my new house since we moved to Roswell in June and I wasn't sure I could access my blog at my new office. BUT I CAN!!! My head has been a rumble of thoughts and ideas and stories waiting to burst forth but without an outlet and yet, here it is. Tomorrow will give me more time to update the online world with the Powell family happenings and my somewhat idealistic thoughts on such. But I feel like I have my voice again.

All for the love of writing

2008-04-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying a little down-time at the office when I read this blog at Velveteen Mind. I truely enjoy her blog and decided this one required a little linky-love. Most of the blogs I find by going through Chelsea's "I'm Somebody's Mother?" blog and I just tap the links that BlogHer has on the page (after laughing my ass off at whatever Chelsea may have to offer). Just on the chance that she should ever read my little page here, Chelsea, you were my first blog, ever. I lost my blogger-cherry to you and I am now running rampant down the blogger streets. I have shamelessly entered a haiku contest, which gave me my first comment, and even been so brazen as to admit personal defeat to the public. I admit I have been a little lax in the writing arena, but I can only excuse by saying: Daddy's already in Roswell, I'm tending to four little ones by myself, planning my graduation AND wedding, dealing with repeated "welfare checks" by CYFD because of The Big B frantically trying any crazy tactic to "get her daughter (note just the one) back", and packing. I'll write more about The Big B's tactics later.
At any rate, Velveteen says it all in her blog about why I write. I hope you enjoy her as I do.

My kid may be what!?!

2008-03-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Josie's second autism evaluation appointment to see if she has made any progress with the things we have attempted to do. While she has fewer "bad" days, her bad days are worse and she's been asked to leave school for the rest of the day for biting. There have been quite a few days where Daddy and I are at our wit's end. We have tried music therapy, dance therapy, schedules, counseling, cooking, monitoring her sugar intake, watching for food triggers, being extra firm but allowing more time, and the list goes on. She even only wears certain colors like pinks and yellows because for some reason blues, browns, and black or sometimes even green lead to "bad" days. We have found that asking her "what colour is your sky?" gives us an indication of what kind of day we can attempt to encourage or avoid.

But,

we've reached our limit. Nothing new, old, or in-between is working for her anymore. We have improved what seems as far as we could without medicinal intervention. Our counselors say so, the teacher believe it, and the specialist we drive 400+ miles each way to see agrees. Daddy couldn't go with us yesterday, so Josie and I were alone to hear the diagnosis and I had to make a decision.

Josie has autism - Asperger's syndrome and she is very intelligent, this is what we were working with. She has some sensory loss and needs occupational therapy for balance and fine motor skills especially on her left side. With the combination of her biological mother's mental health history and her maternal grandmother's plus the extreme peaks and valleys Josie is displaying - her doctor believes they may be precursors to her being bi-polar.
What!?! (Deep breath) Okay, we can handle this (repeat as a mantra). Then the doctor went over some medications for getting her to focus, getting around her rigidity, and the peaks and valleys. She asked me which barrier I felt she needed to most overcome with the use of medication. (Oh, dear God, I'm considering medicating my kid. But I can't help her alone anymore, she needs something) I believe she needs to focus if she is going to do as well in school as we know she is capable of doing. Crying, I agree to try the ADHD medication, explaining that I feel like the worst parent in the world because I couldn't fix the world for her. Peter and I had agreed that medication would be our last resort, and here I was making this decision without him. But he did agree with my decision when I got home, it really is wonderful to have someone support your decisions about "their" child, makes me feel like I am the mom here.
So, we're going to try the medication over Spring Break, I'm taking the week off to see how she does and because it would cost more than I make to put the kids in camp for the week. A friend of ours suggested (and we had heard at the support group) that using the medication and fish oil seems to work wonders. I'll be researching more about this. In the meantime, I'm praying that this works because she really is a wonderful little girl and I want her to enjoy the world.

Water, water, everywhere

2008-03-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

I, know, again with the blue posts, but this one is because of water. Let's clarify, Water Problems.
I took a lovely one credit class this weekend called Project Wild, if you get the chance, take it and have fun. On Saturday, I woke at my usual get-ready-for-work time and turned on the shower. My shower take a little while to get warm so I have it two minutes while I sipped on some coffee. Since that was enough time, I stripped off my PJs (which were actually the shirt I wore the day before and my undies) and swung a leg over the tub side and into.....
ICE COLD WATER!!!!!
I screamed and hopped out of the bathroom naked to tell Daddy that I think the pilot light on the water heater was out. Then I thanked God that I had a shower the day before and my hair wasn't oily because the pilot light wasn't out, the water heater cracked and water was pouring out. Our landlady had it replaced in time for evening baths/showers.
Then on Sunday, Daddy took the girls to dance practice and when he started to get them out of the van, he noticed a steam kind of sound coming from the engine. Turns out our water pump had just gone out. Daddy limped the van home and took his car to pick up the girls and a new water pump. He spent the rest of the evening taking off the old water pump, then the next day scrapping off the gasket and putting on the new water pump. One gallon of antifreeze/water went in, everything was fine. The second gallon and it all started leaking out. So my dad said to bring the van to his house (5 minutes away) and they could work on it together. Never have I seen my dad take to anyone I've brought home as he has to Daddy. And to think, it only took 2 1/2 years to get here.
Daddy has a theory about fixing cars. It's not fixed unless you bleed. Well, Daddy got quite a few scratches and gashes from trying to fix the van. I told him, "Now it looks like your theory doesn't hold....
WATER!"

Double D's or Difficult Decisions

2008-03-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying I'm not one for admiting defeat, ever. Just ask Daddy. He says I drive him nuts because I just won't give up on something and will wiggle things around so that I still come out on top.
But this week was different.
And I'm a little blue about it, hence the blue color to my blog.

It looks like this move to Roswell is going to happen. Which means in a couple of weeks, I'll be without Daddy for most of the week. Really, I was OK with that. I've made arrangements for friends to pick up kids on those days when I'm in Chemistry class/lab. I made arrangements for Miss Becky to pick me up and drive me to/from my procedure on April Fool's day.
But then.....
I got my grade back from my first Chemisty exam. Talked with the professor about needing to take the April 1st exam early and turning in the labs I missed. So still, I thought, no problem there.
But then.....
I was at work, caught up on everything I had to do there and finishing typing up my labs during lunch. I got a call from the kid's school,
"Miss B? This is the secretary at ? school. I have Josie in the office and she needs to go home. There was an incident (just that word alone fills me with dread) with the parent volunteer, Josie pulled her hair and bit her. She's spoken with Mrs. Principal, and because of our rules, she is being dismissed from school for the remainder of the day."
With the parent volunteer.... that is so much worse than if she bit a teacher because a teacher would keep things quiet, never mention it again. But a parent volunteer will be the one who points me out at the next PTA meeting as the mom whose child bites! Perhaps moving now is the best choice just to avoid the stares.
I picked up Josie and got the whole story, upset in the morning, something got to her about lunch and she dropped her tray, something got to her again on the playground and she was screaming (enter the parent volunteer to calm her down) and the biting ensued. Took her to my office and, since I knew Daddy couldn't get her and I still had class to get to, called my mom to beg her to take Josie. My dad could get her at 1:30 (an hour and a half) and take her to mom so that I could go to class. It was after my dad (with a smug attitude, he doesn't think I can handle all my kids since I'm not my mom) picked up Josie that I realized that I forgot to cancel the counseling appointment for Lena and BB.
Various thought that entered my brain at that moment: Josie is finally showing us what she thinks about moving, I am just not going to do very well this semester (after having looked at the Physics exam), how the heck am I going to be there for the kids if I can't get them because I'm in class, what about all my medical exams, I can't do this, like this, once Daddy leaves for Roswell, since we're moving to Roswell and I have to change schools, and I don't need this Chemistry or Physics class for the degree from that school, why the heck am I going to kill my GPA (and myself) by struggling through classes I don't need.
So, I decided to withdraw from Chemistry and Physics. Since I have to be full-time for my financial aid, I found three Microsoft classes (which I use everyday at work) to take for easy A's and they are all online, I'll be home for the kids. What a wonderful idea.
But.... I felt like I was giving up. Throwing in the towel, something I just don't do.
It put me in a horrible mood. I know it's the right decision, but I've never backed down from anything.
Luckily, I had my Project Wild class this weekend, a one weekend, one credit class where attendance and participation are the only things that affect your grades. I spent the weekend running around like a deer or rabbit, drawing a to-scale 55 foot whale, and hiding in the brush from a predator. I felt like a kid again, lost my worries for awhile, and though I'm sore today, I had fun.
I'm thinking that moving won't be so bad, change can be fun, I'm going treat it that way.
Tough decisions made, looking on the bright side... a possible 4.0 this semester.

Ouch and oh my!

2008-03-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Several things occured this week that were unplanned for. Per the request of my doctor, who talked to my mother, who nagged me and got Daddy to nag me, and also some nagging from several of my friends... I finally made some doctor's appointments to get my tests done. First one up was the IVP, where it received an iodine solution intraveineously. 90 % of people who are allergic to the iodine solution react immediately. Apparently, I'm one of that weirdo 10% that doesn't react until later. I was changing back into my street clothes when I noticed that I was turning red and blotchy. Thinking it wasn't really anything to worry about, I put my clothes on and then asked the tech if that was normal. I guess it wasn't since she went to get the other tech and the doctor. I got hives, swollen hands, itchy lips and light headed. They gave me another IV and injected me with Benadryl and steroids to stop the allergic reaction. I was then put on a strecher, sent to recovery and then to OCU until I was finally released 6 hours after my appointment started. During that time, Daddy came to get me but had to go back to work when the doctor decided to keep me longer for observation. So he called my mom who came to see me, then went to get the kiddos from school, and then came back to pick me up. When they removed my second IV, I didn't exactly clot like I was supposed to and soaked the gauze, gotta remember to tell my doctor. Then mom took me home and drove Daddy to get our van. Since I had that allergic reaction, and the B-boy is over two, I decided we might as well complete weaning. I was in so much pain for the next two days! On night three, I secretly allowed B-boy a midnight snack so as to relieve both of us and because I hadn't really expected our last time to be the last time. I enjoyed the relief and stroked his hair and whispered how much I loved him and how I was going to miss his babyhood. So I got the last time I wanted, and our baby has officially graduated to little boy. He has been completely weaned for three days and I'm not in any pain. So I was able to start my new medication from the gastrointerologist last night (can't breastfeed on it) and this being day one, it seems to be working great. April Fool's day is my next procedure, not really looking forward to it. But each test brings us one more step closer to finding an answer to what's wrong with me. I've been waiting almost a year for an answer, perhaps I'll get one soon.
On another note, I got to order my graduation announcements last night. I'm really starting to look forward to "walking the line." Didn't think I'd be this excited about it.

An Answer from God

2008-02-26T14:41:00.000-08:00

About two years ago, as we were struggling from job losses, we prayed to God that something big would come our way to really help our family out. We both got different jobs, mine allowing me to continue my education and finally getting my degree, Daddy's giving him more banking skills and his own office. We are in debt, mostly due to the Big B's misdeeds (turning in Daddy for child support when the children live in our house 24/7) but it fortunately is a drop in the bucket compared to the debt others must wittle down. Let's just say it's under $6500 and that's with car payments. To me, we are doing fine~not in need of anything or in want of anything. And I'm talking about the serious need. We have plenty of food, home, gas, electric, water, toilet paper and coffee (yes, that's a necessity in my life). But we do not NEED anything.
Daddy, however, has a horrible compulsion to provide. I think it's a guy thing. I currently make more $$$ than Daddy and though he says it doesn't bother him, I can shake this feeling that it does.
Daddy went through a horrible blue mood two weekend ago. Even snapping at me and the kids, which is unusual for him. I finally got out of him that he was depressed that he wasn't giving us everything we need. I told him we were fine and happy. Not good enough and he was blaming himself. I couldn't seem to put it into prospective for him that under $6500 in debt was a good thing and other people have it much worse than we do. Still not good enough. After two days, I finally had enough and told him to call his mom and his sisters, who only reaffirmed what I told him and somehow that was enough to get him out of his mood.
So there we were, content with our lot in life for the moment and repeating that God only give you as much as you can handle. I think that weekend was cutting it close for Daddy.
Then out of the blue an old friend, who also happens to be Daddy's former boss, called four times in twenty minutes! Now, that's unusual for him to call that often, ever. We missed the call because we were out for a Lenten dinner at a Mexican seafood place (and yes, seafood enchiladas are good!). So before Daddy could set down the diaper bag, I dialed this friend's number and handed Daddy the phone.
For over 30 minutes they talked......this is what I gathered from the faces my husband was making:
W (our friend) is offering Daddy a job.
From the look on Daddy's face, it's more money.....
obscenely more money.....
doing the job he was doing two years ago.......
not as much work.......
Roswell?
At this point (honestly, though I don't tell Daddy), my heart sunk. Roswell is two hours away from where we live now. Away from friends, family, my job, my school, the kids friends, their school, their grandparents (one of whom relies on us for daycare income)..... Away.....
Though I was supposed to be studying for my Chemistry exam, my brain was no longer in it. How was I going to tell my parents, my co-workers in my already understaffed office, the kids? Oh God, what are the kids going to think?
The offer is on the table for a position in six months at almost double what Daddy was making before, $10,000 more than his current salary, but we'd have to move to Roswell. They'll pay moving expenses.
OK, six months is plenty of time to prepare my parents, the kids, finish the semester, attend my college graduation in May.
Turns out, the kids aren't too keen on the idea. The grandparents, while understanding this will help the family, aren't keen on the idea of only monthly (instead of daily) visits with the babies. Grandpa even lays on a little guilt-trip, jokingly (maybe) about, "Now you say six months, but just watch, you'll be gone in three weeks." This was said yesterday when I was picking up the kids.
Then, I went home..........
W calls Daddy. The jerk (aka: the guy Daddy was going to replace in six months after W learned what he could from him and then fire him because the big boss didn't like him) walked in yesterday morning and quit! So W needs Daddy ASAP! Timeframe: three weeks! Time for big decisions. Daddy and I agree that the children and I will stay where we are until the end of the school year/semester. Daddy will go to Roswell and come home for the weekends. My heart is breaking because I've never been without Daddy for so long or so often since that vacation I took when we were first together. My thoughts are overrun with ideas that tonight will be the last time we go to dance class together and I don't like dancing with anyone else. Who's going to take the B-boy from my arms at night to place him sleeping in his bed? How am I going to wake up every morning when I've gotten used to him waking me and no longer wake with the alarm clock? I cried in my shower this morning thinking about this. I'm worried I'm going to bomb my Chemistry test because I can't concentrate on it. I have 18 formulas to remember....sometimes I've got them, mostly I feel I don't. I need Daddy like I need air, I feel like I can't breathe. I'm supposed to be strong but I feel so small and fragile right now and I'm not used to it, I'm not like this. I know this is a good thing, that this will give Daddy time to find a place for us and see if this job fits before I leave mine and pack up and move. So why do I hurt so much? I know I can't make everyone happy, but I'm also sad that I'll be without Daddy. But I do thank God and everyone who's been praying for us that something great came our way. And I do look forward to the adventure.....not to mention, leaving the Big B behind and not having to worry about her around every turn. That's probably the best thing of all.

Baby no more...

2008-02-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

February is turning out to be a very "mommy-moment" filled month for me. My baby, B-boy, turned two in December and I realized that it was time to start putting baby thing away. Weaning (yes, two years of breastfeeding is recommended by the WHO and BB kept getting sick everytime I tried to wean her till she was two, not taking chances with the only Powell boy) began in December. Luckily it has been going slowly because B-boy was the only one who didn't get this horrible flu and I think my supermom antibodies in the milk were the reason. But this month we've been taking the BIG steps. First, the toddler bed was ordered (Cars of course) and received. When Daddy brought in the bed set (bed, table, chairs, toy organizer, etc), B-boy started screaming with delight shouting "Vroom, vroom!" I tried, while still sick with the flu, to put together the toy organizer while Daddy made dinner. I managed to get it almost done, with some screws still sticking partway out, before having to rest. The next day, I found Daddy and B-boy in his room putting together the bed. Well, Daddy was putting it together while B-boy was handing Daddy every part he didn't need. When the bed was done B-boy proudly sat upon it eating the ice cream I had given him in a failed attempt to get him to leave Daddy alone. He didn't leave the bed all night. It wasn't until 5am that he woke and realized he was alone and there were no boobies close by. Our brave little boy made his was down the hall, through the kitchen, and down another hall to Mommy and Daddy's room, crying the entire time. This has turned into our routine minus the crying (mostly) for the last three weeks. My bed is my own now, but I do miss my warms baby boy curled in my arms. And then.....
Daddy and I had been debating about B-boy's curls. To me they were baby-curls, to Daddy "it" was a mullet. So after much thought, which was actually my mother telling me how little old ladies were telling her what a pretty little girl HE was and when are we getting her ears pierced, I decided to let go of this last bit of babyhood. He is afterall a boy, all boy, car playing, hair-pulling, cat throwing boy. (Later I will explain my theory about boys being an entirely different species from girls) So I told my mom I was ready for his hair to be cut. She said ok and left out the details. I didn't know what day it would happen, I just didn't want to be there because I knew I would cry. Strong women don't cry... yeah, right. They just don't cry in front of their children because mommies are supposed to be strong. The resulting little boy (no longer baby boy) was just so cute and so different. I'll swear that he even carries himself with more of a big-boy attitude. And with that attitude came the word ~ no! He has learned the word no and I am hearing it almost as often as I ask for a kiss. It seems like in a few days he'll be asking me to drop him off a block from school, he already thinks farts are funny.

Hail the Meatloaf!

2008-02-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

As is typical for me, I could not help but accept the meatloaf conversation as a challenge. Not only did I sucessfully make a meatloaf, I slammed that sucker right out of the park! According to my future hubby (between mouthfuls of meatloaf), "This (snarful, gulp) is the best (chomp, chomp, chew) meatloaf I've (swallow, shove another bite) ever had!" So yes, I can and do make a pretty good meatloaf. How's that for American!

My Haiku Buckaroo entry

2008-02-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

Four children play here~
Two mine, two not, together~
Love, thicker than blood.

Teased for the lack of Meatloaf

2008-01-30T12:08:00.000-08:00

Our tale begins with a Schwan's catalog gently delivered into the hands of a certain co-worker eagar to place her first order. I love Schwan's for two reasons: I can do anything with their meatballs and I have a horrible knack of forgetting to thaw anything for dinner. With Schwan's I can continue my reign as SuperMom/Cook Extraordinair even with my powers of memory limited by that wonderful morning Kryptonite called "No Time." Upon its return, her order on the sticky note on the cover, and I notice that she is ordering the meatloaf. She loves meatloaf she says but doesn't have an oven in her condo to make it. I love meatloaf, too and the Schwan's ones are great because I've never made meatloaf. A stunned silence fills the air.
"What do you mean you've never made meatloaf it's delicious and so easy?"
"I've just never made a meatloaf, I probably could, I just never have."
"You, who bakes and cook everything have NEVER made meatloaf?"
"I know. I can make a Turkey Roullade but I've never made a meatloaf."
"Oh, that just....not American!"
Perhaps one day I'll make a meatloaf. Until then, I'll let the Schwan's man fulfill my meatloaf dreams and I'll go bake an AMERICAN apple pie!

Introductions

2008-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

My mother always says that first impressions are the most important. In my opinion, that's completely wrong. Then again, if it weren't for the first impressions of my best friend, Jen and myself when we met, we would have the funny story to tell. More on that later.

So, allow me to introduce myself and my rapidly changing life.

My name is Christine and I currently work for New Mexico State University, which, ironically, is the same University I left nine years ago to get married and have my first daughter, BB. I returned to school last Fall and received my AA in December. Now I'm continuing full-time to get my Bachelor's.
I'm a former military brat and was born at Loring AFB in Limestone, Maine. Having traveled the country and Panama in Central America, my dad got stationed at Holloman AFB in Alamogordo, NM. I've left town several times including for college and two internships at DisneyWorld, but have always return to what has become my hometown. I left my abusive ex in Louisiana eight years ago with my baby girl and came home. My former MIL still loves me and changed her locks and told me where to find the keys once the divorce was final. About three years ago, one of my friends became my coffee-buddy, then my boyfriend, fiance', father of my second child, and will soon be my husband. With him came two beautiful little girls, Lena and Josie. Lena is his ex-wife's daughter form a previous relationship, but he's been daddy since she was two and I've been mommy for three years now. Josie is his with his ex, BB is mine with my ex, and B-boy is our together. So I went from mom of one to mom of four pretty much instantly. We have custody of all the children and have had some seriously hard times with the girls mother, hereby known as THE BIG B! So here I am, mom of four, working full-time, going to school full-time, driving a mini-van (when the Heck did that happen) to practices, and occasionally taking care of my (this can't be possible) aging parents. I'm holding too many stories and vents in my personally space (brain) so it's time to start Blogging.